at the end of all things good,

the holidays are here and i finally have time to come here. my sanctuary.

the last 10 weeks have been kind of crazy. sometimes, i enjoy my work and the people i get to work with (students and colleagues alike) so much that i forget that it's not always a bed of roses. the stresses of working, the burden that i carry whenever i get reminded that my work deals with the lives of young people, that nagging need to strive for perfection and acceptance, that want to bring glory to the Lord and live my life as a testimony to the grace that i've been given.

sometimes, i'm glad i have a (physical) place to turn to in the middle of the work day. to reflect. think. cry out. pray. whenever a silly mistake was made. whenever big mistakes were made. whenever.

***

watching the whole slew of season and series finales the past few weeks to destress from work. thankful. 4 outstanding finales ought to be mentioned here.

1. house - just because it was shot entirely with a DSLR in HD. the canon 5d mkII was used, together with a mix of canon primes (i suspect they are below f1.4) and zeiss zooms (24-70mm, 70-200mm, if memory serves me well). the result was no different from the regular tv shows, but with an added bonus. the tremendous f-stops used ensured amazing an array of depths of field. and even though some scenes may seem out of focus, it fit into the storyline well. and did i mention cuddy and house are finally trying to make it work? :)

2. flashforward - went out with a cliffhanger-open-to-interpretation. the practicalities and business of broadcast media in america led to the axing of a once-promising show. and i'm still quite sad. the show was bouncing back from a few episodes of bad writing and script, but got axed way too soon. farewell flashforward.

3. lost - went out with a poignant smile, fully redeemed. in the end, the important questions were answered. the flash-sideways world was explained. our characters got the redemption they needed. and they moved on, together, to whatever comes after.

after all the adventure, mythology, spirituality, science, faith, philosophy, history, and the countless lessons and knowledge i've picked up watching the series, there are no regrets, no yearning for more (like i usually do with series finales), no burning questions (just a few small ones to satisfy my science brain), but just a quiet, poignant smile as jack closed his eyes and step into the light.

it also reminds me of being redeemed by the blood of Christ, reconciled with God, justified by faith, and the life in Heaven that awaits after we are done in this life. i used to struggle with the reality of a Heavenly Kingdom where there are no tears and sorrow, no sadness and fears. but God, sitting on His throne, where the angels sing and i can find rest for all eternity. though i still struggle with this sometimes (thanks to my science brain), i'm glad for a tv show that can remind me of this fact.

4. grey's anatomy - the season finale left me at the edge of my seat as charles, alex and derek lay dying and a grieving man who lost his wife went on a 2-hr (unrealistic, yes. pumps up the drama equation, yes.) shooting rampage in the hospital before committing suicide.

after i finished the show and started to think about what i saw, i got these flashbacks to the time where i was on exchange in the US. sitting in my poli-sci class, reading breaking news off my classmate's laptops about a shooting that happened on campus. MY campus. and i was ON campus, not at home. without details, my mind started to go crazy. is the gun man still going around shooting people? is he going to walk into my classroom with that loaded gun? it was a crazy time and i hardly paid attention. when i finally got hold of the details, the gun man had shot himself after he shot his ex-girlfriend in the chest 5 times, an ex-girlfriend he had been stalking. i'll never forget those crazy minutes (40 or so minutes) of fearing for my life.

and a few weeks later, the virginia tech massacre happened across the country i was in. my nightmare. and it is a sobering wakeup call for america to rethink its gun and ammunition laws. and it's also a gentle prod to be thankful for singapore.

ETA: i'm shaking my head as i type this after i saw a CNN breaking news tweet about a man going on a shooting rampage in the cumbria region of the UK, killing 12 people. they just found the shooter's body. cumbria is the region where lake district is, a beautiful place i visited last year. it's unthinkable. seriously.

one more thing that caught my attention in the grey's finale. the shooter asked the people he met whether or not they were surgeons. if the answer is yes, he shoots. this closely mirrors the rumors that surfaced during the aftermath of the columbine shootings, that the shooters asked the people if they believed in God, and if yes, they shoot. the rumors proved to not be true.

however, i thought about if it were true, how do people face such situations with the tremendous amount of courage that is needed. would we all respond like how Peter did, bearing in mind that a positive response would mean suffering, pain and death. or would we stand up for our faith and take the bullet, like so many disciples and apostles and servants of God today did? would we have that courage?

***

and yet i know, there is still hope in prayer as i grow in my faith. as we studied from the book of Jeremiah during YAG retreat, i can't help but change my mind about Jeremiah. i used to think he was really whiny and emo (esp. after studying the book of Lamentations).

but looking at things from a bigger perspective, i can see why the tears came as he prayed. his people were deliberately rebelling against God and not heeding his advice or warnings. Judah was suffering and yet Jeremiah's words fell on deaf ears. what was so outstanding about Jeremiah was how faithful and persevering he was as he served God. despite all that he went through, he still remained a faithful servant, and he constantly went back to God in prayer. that, to me, was really special. and inspiring.

ohhh work. bummer.

i'm constantly reminded that i have been neglecting this space, and penning less thoughts here. i still have the kings of convenience concert to archive. tomorrow, i head to esplanade theater to catch 'the tempest', this year's bridge project installment. and that will, hopefully, be followed by a good review (much like last year's 'the winter's tale'). and again, that reminds me, i didn't review the 2nd play of the bridge project's double-bill - chekov's 'the cherry orchard' after i saw it in london.

HOKAY. so easter came and went. i promise, i promise i will pen my thoughts down (here or elsewhere). the easter musical, again, moved me so much with its narrative and songs. it's just so amazing how songs, lyrics and music can move people and stir emotions.

finally bought my air tickets to zurich, which is my connecting city to scandinavia. quite a good bargain i must say - $1.6k return on the singapore airlines A380. now it's about finding my other flights, trains and cruises, plus excursions to neighbouring towns and norwegian fjords.

going on this trip means forgoing a study trip to hokkaido with science teachers association of singapore, which is totally expensive, but totally interesting. but to console myself, scandinavia is a pretty good thing too, plus i get to go for my singapore arts fest concerts and dances (yay joshua bell).

i'm being super tied down by work and more admin sai gang. but the Lord graciously gives me strength that is renewed with each new day. :) more to come.

i know i owe Him everything.

the 4 most powerful lines this easter musical that moves my sinful heart everytime i sing it and hear it.

how could i know the mystery of grace /
how love could hold Him there, dying in my place /
but everytime i see those labored footsteps, all His suffering /
i know i owe Him everything.

what power. what sacrifice. what love.

created in His image.

a good time to be reminded once again. this verse shall carry my weary soul till next year.

"Then God said, “Let Us make man in Our image, according to Our likeness;
let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, over the birds of the air,
and over the cattle, over all the earth
and over every creeping thing that creeps on the earth.”

So God created man in His own image;
in the image of God He created him;
male and female He created them.

Then God blessed them, and God said to them,
“Be fruitful and multiply; fill the earth and subdue it;
have dominion over the fish of the sea, over the birds of the air,
and over every living thing that moves on the earth.”"

- Genesis 1:26-28

the travel itch.

A part of Lake Crescent
Olympic National Park
Washington, USA
Summer, 2007

itching to travel again, but too many things going on in december.

i miss road trips. i miss my crazy road trip days in US. where i can have a crazy idea, hop out and rent a car, plan the route, drive to safeway to buy food, pile into the car and just drive. and within hours, i'm surrounded by amazing views, a thousand and one things to see, do and explore.

when you live on an island of a small country, this is what you yearn for.

well anyway, thoughts this weekend:

#1 - new moon the movie was much better than i had anticipated. and the movie is 1000x better than the book, which i hated. so there it goes. sister and i were hoping we wouldn't run into our students in the theater. :)

#2 - just finished watching CNN heroes, the tribute. as always, anderson cooper is too cute in his head of silver-white hair. but more than that, the inspiring stories that showcase how amazing and how far a single person or a group of persons can go to reach out to those in need.

orphans in east timor, the homeless that go hungry in new york city, children in need of prosthetic limbs, iraqi children in need of wheelchairs, women and children in zimbabwe that are raped at 6 years old by 18 HIV-positive men, women without health insurance that need mammograms and SO MANY MORE.

this beats the nobel peace prize.

#3 - choices. and choosing wisely.

#4 - and recapping:

"I beseech you therefore, brethren,
by the mercies of God, that you present your bodies a living sacrifice,
holy, acceptable to God, which is your reasonable service."
- Romans 12:1

say cheese!

oreo cheesecake for dad's birthday

decided to post up my oreo cheesecake recipe after sam requested for it all the way from perth. :) since i have the soft copy, might as well share the joy right. christmas is coming is coming afterall. and i'm celebrating by listening to old bethany christmas concert songs and reminiscing about the good old days. and looking forward with much excitement and joy to this year's musical, and honouring the Lord and His tender grace upon me this year. :)

i had trouble looking for a reliable oreo cheesecake recipe - my usual suspects (nigella, hummingbird bakery, jamie oliver, and i even checked anthony bourdain! knowing full well he wouldn't have one in his les halles cookbook) didn't have one. so i decided to use nigella's new york cheesecake ('cos it was so successful everytime) and invent my own oreo crust.

Enjoy! :)

a 70th birthday oreo cheesecake

Ingredients for the base:
250g oreo biscuits, without cream (estimated)
150g unsalted butter, melted
3 tablespoons caster sugar (reduced sugar version: 2 tbsps)

For the cake:
23cm springform tin (from phoon huat)
250g caster sugar (reduced sugar version: 175g)
2 tablespoons corn flour
750g cream cheese
6 large eggs, separated
2 teaspoons vanilla extract (i usually put in 1 more teaspoon cos i love vanilla so much)
150ml double cream
150ml sour cream (can be replaced with another 150ml double cream)
½ teaspoon salt (just pinch)
zest of 1 lemon
icing sugar for dusting
strawberries, raspberries or blackberries to serve/garnish

The Baking!
1. Mix together the crushed biscuits, melted butter and 3 tablespoons of sugar
2. Press into the base of the springform tin
3. Leave in the fridge for ½ hour

4. Preheat oven 170 degree celsius
5. In a large bowl, mix together the caster sugar and corn flour.
6. Beat in the cream cheese, egg yolks, vanilla either by hand or electric beater
7. Slowly pour in both creams, beating constantly
8. Add the salt and lemon zest
9. Whisk the egg whites to stiff peaks, then fold into the cheese mixture.
10. Scoop onto the chilled base
11. Bake for 1-1.5 hours without opening the oven door, until the cheesecake is golden brown on top.
12. Turn off the heat and let the cake stand in the oven for 2 more hours.
13. Open the oven door and let it stand for a further 1 hour.
14. Serve chilled, dusted with icing sugar. Garnish with fresh fruits.

Serves 12-14

Notes:
as always i would reduce the sugar amounts dramatically.

the first 2 times i followed exactly, but this time i was tired of having left-over sour and double cream. so i experimented doing away with sour cream and replacing it with double cream. so i used the entire 300ml cup of double cream, plus reducing the sugar a little more to combat the sweetness and it turned out well.

step #9 is something that nigella says will ensure that the cheesecake is less dense and light and fluffy. so be sure to whisk till stiff peaks. it really makes a difference!

I know the baking procedure sounds super troublesome. but i never questioned it, and following the steps ensured that my cheesecake turned out awesome.

say a little prayer.

today, tears fell as i talked to 4 of my girls. 3 of them openly teared uncontrollably, and i had no heart to tell them to stop. so instead, i stopped talking and let them cry.

later the 4th one admitted, she thought it was weird to cry over the stresses of school work. so she cries at home, where her sister is around to lend her a shoulder.

what started off as a extended-remedial session turned into an impromptu do-not-despair-there's-still-hope session. i experienced first hand how important my job is, fearing that the inability to cope with stress could drive my sweet girls to horrible consequences. i drew on past experience to help them understand the things they are going through. and i hope i did something right - and helped them to strive to cope with the demands of their school work, exams, and everything else. to be resilient. so they can be better prepared for what life brings.

but i also realised it's hard not to bring in God and His strength and comfort. looking back, He has blessed me during my times in JC, even when i turned away from Him, even when i did not seek Him. i don't remember being unable to cope with the heavy demands of 4 A level subjects, students' council, band and everything else. retrospectively, i can attribute these blessings to God's invisible hand in my life.

as i spoke to my girls, i'm fighting the urge not to bring in the comfort that God brings - because i know my limits of teaching in a secular school, and that i was talking to my students in school. i know God's power and His grace will be a source of comfort to them in this difficult time. but i know just about the only thing i can do is to pray for them, and to be there for them. and that's a start.

I've always treasured verses like these, from Deuteronomy. this week's memory verse:

"You must not fear them, for the Lord your God Himself fights for you."
Deuteronomy 3:22

***

last week during bethany's mid-autumn festival celebrations, pastor and i bonded over the simplest of things. tea. and it came out of nowhere, but inexplicably it brought a great sense of joy to my heart. strange.

pairing different chinese teas with different cuisines is just like pairing different wines to different meats. a certain tea (long jing) is good for sweet desserts - like mooncakes. and pastor and i very excitedly discussed why this is so. or rather, i told him how the taste went and it was right on the money! then later, he brewed another pot of a different tea (tie kuan yin), came over to the group i was chatting with, pulled me away and got me to try it. :) pastor's so cute. and i went away learning more about teas, making sure to ask him about teas more often, and making a mental note to buy him chinese teas when i travel to china.

i've always treasured pastor and His ministry and service to the Lord as our pastor. of late, i've realised how precious this fact is. from seeing how other pastors from other churches conduct funeral services, and realising how pastor takes the effort to tailor each message to suit the subject (funeral, wedding, baptism etc.) and the audience, how he makes an effort to get to know the youngest of children to the oldest of our brethren.

and just last weekend, how he strives to do the Lord's work despite his health. on friday, i received news of pastor's condition (bell's palsy) that rendered half of his face paralysed. after much prayer, i thought he would be resting at home, receiving treatment and medication. but i saw him in the lift on sat evening, leaving church. and i was stunned. pastor came to work just a day after his diagnosis. i thought he wouldn't be preaching from the pulpit on sunday - but he did. i thought pastor mark/mitch would be teaching us in catechism class on sunday afternoon - but he came in and taught us from Philippians 2, on humility. and i was struck again and again by his utmost dedication. plus the joy that is so evident when he is serving the Lord.

"Let this mind be in you which was also in Christ Jesus,
who, being in the form of God, did not consider it robbery to be equal with God,
but made Himself of no reputation, taking the form of a bondservant,
and coming in the likeness of men.
And being found in appearance as a man,
He humbled Himself and became obedient to the point of death,
even the death of the cross."
Philippians 2:5-8

in Jesus we have the example of true humility - and despite the fact that Jesus had EVERY reason in the world to be proud, (and we, as humans, have NO REASON whatsoever to be proud), He humbled Himself, became a servant, and was obedient to the point of His death on the cross. and pastor really conducts himself according to his faith. and he is the example for us all. and that's why he and his ministry are so precious to me. and i'm sure, to many of us. :)

the awesomeness of march.

why march was such an unforgettable month.

• caught jason mraz live. amazing.
• caught many good movies with good friends (benjamin button, he's just not that into you, slumdog millionaire, marley&me).
• had a great time at MH's. chilling to nice pizzas from serangoon gardens and a night of guitar hero world tour and good company.
• had many catchup sessions with various friends from NIE, bethany, and all over, over good meals. always enjoying good fellowship and the fruits of our labor.
• work was both satisfying and frustrating at the same time. which made for many laugh-out-loud moments at my silly students (and other teachers' silly students).
• work-life balance quite easily obtained at my workplace (for now). the ability to work hard and play hard is something i hope to achieve when i start work for real.
• the march holidays.
• the many rehearsals and practices for the upcoming easter musical. and witnessing the tremendous progress made in just a few weeks, all credit goes to the ones leading the choirs, costumes, stage, props, AV, music, and the Lord's blessings and grace.
• caught coldplay live, for the 2nd time. amazing x2.
• bought my tickets to london for june. i'll get to see zeh, watch musicals and hopefully plays, and travel in UK and europe again! :)
  
• caught the winter's tale. my first shakespeare play live on stage. seeing ethan hawke (and the rest of the pristine cast) on stage. hearing him sing and strum the guitar. hokay. the entire play was kind of amazing in a shakespeare way. more to come in another post.
• caught sight of EH and several other cast members heading out the B1 stage door when i was turning out of the esplanade carpark. and for a split second i contemplated stopping the car and winding down the window to say hi. of course i didn't, and totally regretted it. till now.

all these joys and blessings come to me and i'm ever so thankful and grateful. :) i wouldn't expect any more months to be so filled and enriched, with songs and music, with art and soul, with praise and worship. but hopefully, with the Lord's grace, it can be, and will be.

the cure for monday blues.

is your boss declaring no lessons after 10am, in the light of the stellar results of the class of 2008. :)

thinking about the high-energy jason mraz concert and the high-energy guitar hero world tour marathon at MH's on sat night. our very own rock concert!

singing my weekend away. at guitar hero, at easter musical rehearsals sat and sun. being able to sing for the Lord.

reflecting on the Lord's goodness and grace. and being challenged once again to hide His word in my heart always, in all wisdom. (colossians 3:16)

great is Thy faithfulness.

this week is a terror week. i'm being slammed with assignments, presentations, projects and essays left right center. but while the process of doing work is tiring and sluggish (oh so sian), my mind is constantly challenged by said assignments, presentations, projects and essays.

one to re-examine again my own stance and personal beliefs with regards to people with special needs and autism especially. i do miss my days of volunteering at autism children's center.

another one to think about the social implications of the current education landscape and the people involved.

but more importantly, this week was more than just thoughts on school work. i find myself thinking more, and i do welcome it. i hate to find my mind idling away like a car stuck in a traffic jam.

probably the one that carries the most weight is the news of my beloved cousin, all of 18 years old, lying in the neuro ICU, her brain swollen, on a respirator, "stable but critical", unable to predict if she will ever wake up and recover. to get her A-level results. to go to university. to get married and have children.

and it thoroughly pains me, that something i always watch on tv and taken for granted, can hit so close to home. as much as i try not to admit, it is just different with family. with SQ's and HY's homegoing, the sadness i felt was more distant comparatively, but i can replace the sadness and anguish with joy that they have been called home to be with the Lord, which is a most wonderful thing.

i think about how life is so fleeting. i watched the curious case of benjamin button, and this one truth stood out to me, among others (love has to happen at the right time for both individuals = timing is everything).

"the Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away" was mentioned. as the clock moves backwards and lives were lost in the war, benjamin button was born to age backwards. when the pastor so-called "healed" and made old frail-looking benjamin walk (you would know that he would walk 'cos he's again backwards, so this healing is NOT TRUE), the pastor dropped and died. (note: this is a plot device for the theme).

as the movie closes, death is everywhere. from the female character, to the victims of hurricane katrina. to the clock which moves backwards taken down from the new orleans train station, abandoned in a warehouse, and drowned by the incoming flood waters.

i've been reading psalm 39. i was reminded again how fragile life is. David's psalms are always filled with much description of his anguish and pain.

"...Certainly every man at his best state is but vapor."
- Psalm 39:5b

"...You make his beauty melt away like a moth;
Surely every man is vapor."
- Psalm 39:11b

vapor, lighter than air. that's us. insignificant, small, nothing.

"“LORD, make me to know my end,
And what is the measure of my days,
That I may know how frail I am."
- Psalm 39:4

But we can rejoice. for we can hope in the Lord.

“And now, Lord, what do I wait for?
My hope is in You."
- Psalm 39:7

sunday's class with pastor mitch was a timely reminder again to seek the Lord first above all else. before doing anything. after every terrible news. that i should be conscious of the Lord through each day. and that makes coping with difficult times better and more manageable. that we can overcome anything, because though we are weak, we are made perfect in His strength, grace and mercy. that even when we sin, falter and slip away, He is always faithful. He is always there, comforting me with His Word.

and that's why this song (in title of post) is held dear to my heart this week.

great is Thy faithfulness
great is Thy faithfulness
morning by morning
new mercies i see

all i have needed
Thy hand hath provided
great is Thy faithfulness
Lord, unto me

pardon for sin and
a peace that endureth
Thine own dear presence
to cheer and to guide

strength for today and
bright hope for tomorrow,
blessings all mine,
with ten thousand beside

- great is Thy faithfulness

thoughts.

the last month of 2008 passed with a kind of 'calmed frenzy'. on one hand there was a lot of things going on, and on the other hand, i've found time to sit down, watch dvds (gossip girl OC lost), read lots of books (obama's audacity of hope, twilight x 4 books, tales of beedle the bard, chick lits), and journal about my year that has just passed and really think about how the Lord has been with me and that He has been faithful when i so do not deserve His faithfulness.

well, a good part of dec was spent in japan, one of my favourite countries in the world. it was my 2nd time in tokyo and hakone, and 1st time in kyoto. travelling free&easy with parents in a busy cosmopolitan city is no easy feat. and i'm glad i survived it with much prayer and trust in the Lord. :) sounds bad, but it really was. but the trip had many good things about it too. i really love japan and i basked in the things i love about it. and i got to shop one day in tokyo on my own, which i'm really really thankful for. and i got time to catch up with my sis after not seeing her for 5 months.

rambling.

when i returned, suddenly, christmas concerts in Bethany was just literally around the corner! it was so packed that i hardly had time to breathe and decompress from the trip. and soon it was last minute revising of actions and lyrics, followed by rehearsals and all. when the concerts were finally over i felt a little sad, knowing that it will be my last time singing with the youth choir, whom i have grown to love a lot. well must always look forward to good things. so it's young adults' group and one voice in 2009. and many more years to come.

last minute christmas shopping and wrapping of gifts and writing of cards is always a tradition every year for me. well, 'cos i'm such a procrastinator. but christmas eve dinner with the family was a nice affair, as usual. this year we walloped 5 bottles of alcohol, probably a record.

christmas service and lunch at the shang this year was good! i really appreciated pastor's message that morning, in a world full of gloom and recession and global warming, it's always amazing to be reminded of the hope that we have in the Lord. :) and this christmas i'm extra happy because of my 2 friends D and D, who not only went for service and lunch, and also our annual gathering at joel's after lunch. and knowing that they enjoyed themselves and in fellowship with our friends from Bethany, and have been encouraged by the sharing session that we had and the songs we sang, is truly pure joy that the Lord brings to my heart. and that God answers prayers.

well before i know it, it's now the last hour of 2008. it's hard to summarize all i have here, because so much has happened over the year and i can safely declare that my year has been a really good one. i've been thoroughly blessed, well taken care of, provided for and so much more. i made it through my FYP, graduated, went into NIE, made new friends, grown in my faith, travelled so much and most of all, obama won the election! haha.

however, i know the world is in turmoil. and many events have happened that just shocks you to the core. natural disasters, always a common fixture. effects of global warming felt everywhere. political unrest in thailand, america, indonesia, japan, malaysia, zimbabwe, israel-gaza, taiwan. terror attacks in mumbai and the lost of a singaporean life. greedy CEOs begging for the people's money to save their companies while travelling in private jets. greedy man who cheated charities of billions of dollars. the collapse of once-powerful investment firms. retirees losing their pension funds within seconds.

well it's unthinkable, but a truly amazing thing that we can have hope despite all these. that we can trust that all is well, that we can rejoice with the truth, that God is with us. and that

"And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God,
to those who are the called according to His purpose."
- Romans 8:28

have a blessed year ahead. :)

an alien vine, i am.

paris's one and only vineyard in the district of montmarte;
paris, france

pastor's pre-YAG seminar message on saturday has been on my mind since saturday. as i drive to school on my own everyday, it's the times that i have for myself. to escape from the realities of life and growing up into adulthood. to assume responsibilities and all that jazz.

well anyway something struck me (and all at ypg3-yag meeting) speechless.

"Yet I had planted you a noble vine,
a seed of highest quality.
How then have you turned before Me
Into the degenerate plant of an alien vine?"
- Jeremiah 2:21

there were many instances recorded when we have failed. Jeremiah wrote this about Israel, Isaiah wrote this about Judah, Paul wrote this about the Corinthian church. these are 3 examples that i know of, which means there are many others.

but they all have the same idea. that we have been made in God's image. we are God's work, and He meant for us to be "a noble vine, and seeds of the highest quality", giving the best fruits, grapes. something along the way made us stumble and fall. we degenerate spiritually and fall away from God our Creator. and i'm suddenly made aware of this dire fact.

we forgot that we are meant to be partakers of the divine nature. that divine nature that God has placed in everyone of us. i'm constantly rebuked (by myself) when i see Pastor's life and work and ministry. i'm really thankful for his example and his willingness to help us correct our lives and teach and guide us to live the life God has planned for us. to always seek to imrpove our spiritual life and keep track of our walk with the Lord.

hence i'm really excited about the upcoming seminar. (:

the clock doesn't stop running.

many things happened a year ago, and it seems a long time ago; as opposed to time flies.

time, and life, continues. to live life, we must move on and let go of the past that threatens to grip us and keep us trapped in that bubble of the shoulda, woulda, coulda.

i was reading back my blogposts from those times and it was really a time where God's leading saw me through. prayers were answered and i sometimes forget that prayer works. it really does.

i see mr. and mrs. ho in church sometimes, and i recently said bye to them one sunday. and the 1-year anniversary of si qiu's homegoing was near and i was thinking about it quite often this month. i looked at them and i wonder what goes on in their hearts and minds. i look at siyu and i wonder if he misses his brother.

i wonder what kind of courage and faith it takes to reconcile with the Lord after such a heart-breaking event. to know and trust in His will and plan for all of us. to continue in the walk with the Lord, to run the race with more determination, resilience and certainty. to let go of anger, rage, blame and the questions that no one can answer.

"Instead of asking, "Why did it happen?"
Think of where it can lead you from here.
And as your pain is slowly easing,
You can find a greater reason
To live your life triumphant through the tears.

When answers aren't enough, there is Jesus.
He is more than just an answer to your prayer.
And your heart will find a safe and peaceful refuge
When answers aren't enough He is there.
He is there."

You are.

On the train from interlaken to luzern, switzerland.

You are -

holy, faithful
Savior, friend
all i'll ever need

every question's answer
every reason why
moving, yet still

"glory, hallelujah"
hope of peace on earth
alpha and omega

comfort, refuge
love personified
kindness, compassion

Lord on high
the way, the truth, the life
the Word made flesh
the bright morning star

You are.

the intangible.

Jesus said to him, “Thomas,because you have seen Me, you have believed.
Blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed.”

And truly Jesus did many other signs in the presence of His disciples, which are not written in this book;

but these are written that you may believe that Jesus is the Christ, the Son of God, and that believing you may have life in His name.

- John 20:29-31

it's refreshing to be reminded once again.

the appalling ignorance and superiority of some.

i was reading the reuters photographers blog online and the most recent post by russell boyce talked about the recent cyclone nargis that hit myanmar and the death toll has risen from a mere 200 to 22,000 now. and i'm pretty sure it's grossly underestimated as rescue efforts (try t0) continue and aid and relief (try to) enter the country.

well pastor tells us often about the difficulties of ministering to our bethren in myanmar and even getting a visa to enter myanmar is so difficult. and we haven't received word from them yet, so this waiting is kind of excruciating. and i know the one thing we can do now is to pray. i've been dilligently praying for the people of myanmar, for UN aid workers, especially our church members. and as i prayed also for my FYP presentation, i felt (once again) that my worries of a bad q&a session during the presentation completely pales in comparison to what they are going through.

well anyway, back to the the reuters blog post. the author writes,

"At the end of yesterday I went home believing that a caring world knew about what was going on.

Once at home, after explaining to my 12 year old son why so many had died in a cyclone, I browsed a few of the international news sites to see how the world was reacting to something I felt was the most important news event of the day.

The first blog I read under a slide show of pictures on a major US news site read (I paraphrase as it has been removed now) “why should we care about this dirty little washed up country and who gives a damn anyway”

This comment on the blog chilled me, not because it was there but because it was supported by many other comments."

well, i was totally appalled by the comment. and the fact that it was removed only goes to show how offensive it was. i don't want to assume the nationality of the blogger who wrote that comment, but as a blogger i can safely conclude that he is part of the virtual community and is considerably quite "tech-savvy" and probably well-educated too. and i was shocked that the education that he received and his upbringing could bring him to post such a comment in such harsh words, at a time where people are dying by the tens of thousands due to a natural disaster, (not a war ok). i shudder to think that if more than 4000 US soldiers lost their lives in the iraq war, how many iraqis and other people have lost their lives since then. and think about cyclones and hurricanes and volcanoes (case-in-point that is happening right NOW: chile). for the people in the US, think about hurricane katrina and the south asia tsunami.

i want to tell the blogger in question to imagine if he was born into a family in myanmar, under strict military regime that was not of their own choosing. that what they watch on tv is controlled by their government. that they have no democracy, no freedom, no choice. and tell him he'd probably not know where myanmar is on the world map. or tell me the capital city.

a recent episode of CSI:new york featured the victim as a guy who was building an ark 'cos he was convinced it was the "end of times". in a video, he rattled on several different verses from the Bible and that reminded me again of tragedies and disasters, war and strife. where nations will rise against nations. it's a chilling thought as i look at our world now. all the problems we have.

i've been holding on to these verses in good faith when problems cloud my head. and i know even when my FYP poster presentation didn't go as well as i hoped, or that there are horrible people in this world, or that thousands have perished in disasters, i can trust in His will and His grand plan, in a very micro and macro level.

“Through whom also we have access by faith
into this grace in which we stand, and rejoice in
hope of the glory of God.
And not only that, but we also glory in tribulations,
knowing that tribulation produces perseverance.”
Romans 5:2-3

baking warms the heart.

just one more day. of presenting my poster and FYP to professors and curious people who wonder if zebrafish really have stripes and are amazed that "excited" male and female fish chase one another in the tank, playing the mating game. while i watch nonchalantly for awhile before heading back into the injection room to inject nanodrops of liquid into freshly laid embryos.

well. these days i'm really quite free. so is my sister. hence that contributed to lots of baking.

the first of the lot: first trys french meringue cookies and snickerdoodles (a cookie-like thing covered with granulated sugar and cinammon powder, like churros!). well i managed to save the cookies and they turned out quite well! hence i'm quite proud of myself 'cos meringue stuff are infamously difficult. the snickerdoodles, hmmm, can be improved. hor, justina. (:

the 2nd time, the day after: a sunday afternoon. as if it wasn't warm enough, i was so bored before evening worship service, i decided to bake foolproof-sure-delicious, old-school chocolate chip cookies. true enough, they were just a tad sweet. but still good.

the 3rd time: my 2 sisters and i attempted a bread recipe found in the newspapers. using beer instead of water. beer-battered bread with gruyere cheese, ham and corriander. a very full meal by itself, and not too bad, if you're a fan of cheese.

beer-battered bread with gruyere cheese, ham and corriander

the 4th time: a team of 5 of us. my 2nd zeh, justina, jermaine and hongwee took an afternoon to bake 3 things. quite an achievement i'd say. we baked 2 big loaves of tomato-topped foccacia bread, peanut butter oatmeal bars and chocolate kisses and pecan cookies. they were all good! 'cept for the bread, the other 2 were first-trys too.

zeh's heart-shaped foccacia dough, after a good 15minutes of kneading.

tomato- and mozzerella-topped foccacia bread.

cookies with white-dark chocolate kisses, oatmeal and pecans

forgot to take photo of the peanut butter oatmeal bars. which were really lovely.

well i love baking. (:

speaking of food. on a lazy sunday morning my 2 zehs and i headed to a flea market at dempsey. after buying too many vintage pieces, we headed to jones the grocer for some lunch/tea. in the end, we had breakfast. hur.

smoked salmon with watercress on a toasted bagel.

english breakfast with gourmet sausages, the best scrambled eggs i've ever eaten, grilled tomatoes, bacon, mushrooms and toast.

the best tiramisu i've ever eaten in a long time.

other than that: i'm really glad new episodes of brothers&sisters, lost and grey's anatomy are back, and better than ever. (: the writers' magic pens are back and the episodes are so good. so is american idol. lots of drama, emotional moments, ditzy paula and great talent in the form of david cook!

the screening of the FYPs from NTU's mass comm students was not bad. i honestly expected to be wow-ed. i think so did the people who went with me. and we were kinda wowed by a couple of works. while others fell flat on themselves. hmmm. guess i have high expectations.

well one of them was quite memorable. well not its technicalities of cinematography or production, but its story, which is very heartwarming at its core. coupled with the recent deaths of huiyi and another church member, plus praying for those battling sickness and cancer in church, it was a stark visual reminder of our own morality. and how people need the Lord so much more when faced with difficulties. in the film, i saw how cancer literally ate away a body and its spirit. and how there was this why-me?, followed by a dejected sense of surrendering to fate. and i know a faith in the Lord prepares us for such circumstances. to be strong and to submit to the will of the Lord (the lesson at ypg just yesterday!). and even when faced with death, there is peace, hope, and an eternal life with the Lord in Heaven. (:

"Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God,
that He may exalt you in due time,
casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you."
- 1 peter 5:6-7

heading home.

been trying to gather some thoughts on graduation. and one thing that is unchanged is the word "grace". these 4 years have been the best times. it's a time where i got to know the Lord on a much deeper level, and saw my faith and trust in Him grow steadily through the circumstances. His grace has brought me through all things that happened, particularly in the last 4 years. and i'm thankful for His presence, His mercy and goodness, His great love and strength that He gives. i could think of so many instances, day-to-day, that i would not know what to do if i did not have the Lord. those instances happen on a daily basis, and even more so during tough times, like exams and trials, emotional turmoil and the things that happen in life.

so many things have happened. in school, at classes, in hall. at my extra curriculars. volunteering. serving at church's youth choir. going on exchange in the US. travelling. teaching. knowing friends. knowing not-so-friendly people. doing my FYP. at home. the death of siqiu, my unborn niece/nephew, and now huiyi.

today's vigil service for huiyi really struck a chord with my heart. all of us at bethany have been praying for her for some time now as she struggled with pecoma (perivascular epithelioid cell cancers), a rare form of cancer with no cure.

despite not meeting her or knowing her personally and knowing that her time on this earth will end soon, tears came as i watched a video of her photos from young, and listened to t. chiew yen talk about her last days and her gradual coming-of-faith while battling an incurable cancer and the strength she found in the Lord to face death with courage and that peace that she had as she left this earth to be home with the Lord. all these at the tender young age of 24. just a year older than i am.

as i watched her photos flash on screen to corrinne may's "fly away", her life, i noticed, was not that all different from mine. she had great loving parents, a wonderful sister who cared for her while she was sick, she grew up with many friends and she had such great memories. she was a happy, carefree girl, just starting out on her first job out of university. and i realized more and more just how much i want to treasure my life now and live for the Lord. because our time here is so short and unpredictable, just but a fleeting moment.

huiyi writes in her testimony,

"And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying. There shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away.”
Then He who sat on the throne said, “Behold, I make all things new.” And He said to me, “Write, for these words are true and faithful.”
-Revelations 21:4-5
by faith, i embrace this hope.

there's a tremendous sense of joy and hope and peace that comes from knowing that we have eternal life in the salvation offered to us so freely. this same joy and hope that we can have when our loved ones are being called home to be with the Lord in Heaven. where everything is beautiful. i know huiyi is there with the Lord, so is siqiu. and that imagery of no more pain, death, sorrow or crying is so amazing. this faith that we can have. this belief. how can we not have and believe?

huiyi's strength to go through the last stage of her life and the peace that she had, evident from her testimony, are just the proof of His grace and strength and the Lord answering prayers. and as i thought about graduation and stepping into a new phase of my life, huiyi will always be in my thoughts.

abide.

the good friday-easter sunday weekend is here again. it has been a mad week thus far. the final weeks into the FYP deadline is starting to turn into madness. i've been staying in lab from morning all the day to 7-8pm. just doing experiments. this week i haven't even been able to work on my thesis at all. i'd lug my laptop to lab and end up not using it at all. and the reason for the neverending experiments is partly due to my fault for somehow screwing up my experiments. which led to horrible results.

well i did look forward to nightly marathons of alias. i bought the seasons 2 and 3 box sets for only $19.90 each, usual price $69.90. original code 3! eastpoint atrium was having a dvd sale so i bought without hesitation. ahhh michael vartan is SO cute and jennifer garner looks beautiful in every hair style imaginable. it's amazing how versatile her face is even though she has such a strong jaw line. maybe the hair people working on alias is just that good. and i must say that alias's blooper reel is the BEST i've seen. i was laughing so hard at their outtakes. they're all such goofballs. (:

anyway in the midst of all that i have been trying to be conscious of the Lord during this week especially. to read again John and Isaiah 53 and be reminded of God's love and the work done by Jesus on the cross to save us from sin and give us the promise of eternal life and salvation. yesterday was the first night of bethany's easter gospel outreach concert. and though it was tiring, all the saturday and sunday practices, the rehearsals, i find special meaning in singing for the Lord and the lyrics that are so apt and meaningful. and doing actions too. (: i'm also very glad renchun, my good friend, will be coming to watch the concert tonight and i've been praying for Him to be touched by His grace and love somehow so that He may come to know the Lord.

as i sit in the mount elizabeth hospital waiting room now, people are giving my strange looks. well that may be attributed to the laptop and all of my sister's barang barang and reading the Bible when i was throw out of her ward 'cos she'll be going into the ICU after her operation. and i also laid down and slept for like 20minutes 'cos i'm just so sleepy. i'm so heartened and glad that so many people are praying for her and my family. not just her friends but also my friends from bethany, pastor mitch, t. chen kee and a few more. i'm so thankful for my friends for continually encouraging me with wise words, counsel and Bible verses. and i'm clinging onto God so much more through this thing with my sister and finding myself trusting Him without fear and doubt that He is in control of all things.

"He who dwells in the secret place of the Most High,
shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty."
Psalm 91:1

the leap between time and space.

happy 29th feb. (:

today over lunch, joyce and i were just talking about those days. days of faded polka dotted skirts and lugging our heavy bags to tuition at mr. lim's. over prawn mee in ulusville, which took a treacherous hike at the back of biopolis and crossing the train tracks, making sure you look both ways before stepping on the tracks. what a mid-day adventure.

so 8 years ago this day, i was 15. probably had a long day at school. sec 3, can you imagine. and i'm glad to have my crazy bunch of secondary school friends. we have weathered much turmoil and individual epiphanies while growing up and yet still managed to stay friends and meet up often.

4 years ago i also had a day in school, relief teaching at my alma mater primary school. hmmm that's not very exciting, but thinking about these 2 days made me thinking a lot about time. considering teaching is on my career list for the next 4 years.

time is constant, but am i the only one who thinks that the idea of combining the 0.25 days in a year to one day once every 4 years is a little warped? who decided that such a thing can be done?

but through the years, i've learnt that time is not a fixed construct. i remember someone writing to me about this very subject. that the most joyous of times pass us by as a fleeting moment, never allowing us to savor the minute for a longer time. and the most painful of times seem to drag on, as if time is mocking us.

~

by the way, the idea that it's march already is starting to scare me. where did jan and feb go?

FYP is going into overdrive. results means clearing it with boss, and discussions with boss means he'll suggest more ways to make the results more beautiful and credible and publication-standard. more ways means more experiments, means more work for me, means more things will go into the thesis, means more writing and editing x1000, means everyday i'm swamped at work.

oh shoot. i just left my fishes in the incubator. and its the weekend. by monday they'll be 5 days old. argh.

~

we bid farewell to mingfei, the last of bethanyians to leave for further studies. he's off to sydney, which is a city that i like very much. if only they were less racist i'd like it much more.

mingfei, it's my prayer that you'd discover what God has in store for you and that you'd continue to walk faithfully with Him and keep learning and seek to be a testimony to others around you in sydney. i look forward to you being back! (:

~

the obama campaign is invading my email inbox with dozens of campaign stuff. i was wondering where in the world did they get my email add, then i remembered i signed up at his website when i took the political science class at UW, after my prof cited his campaign as an example of the idea of ownership and personalization in marketing and advertising, which is seen in all kinds, including political marketing.

well the latest slew of emails stated that the campaign has reached its goal of 1 million donors before the march 4th ohio, texas primaries. it's amazing that 1 million people donated to his campaign. i wonder if that includes me, since i'm the proud owner of...

in which proceeds goes to his campaign. (: haha yes. i'm all for change in america.

thank you alvin, for braving the seattle rally of epic proportions to snag me obama stuff. (:

~

had dinner at shoduko (i think that's how you spell it) with my 2nd sis and justina. before that justina and i wandered around kate spade and coach. ahhhh.

then we queued up for like 20 minutes before getting a table. the food's not bad. i love japanese food so all's good for me.

we ate SO much, complete with sake. cheers.

then we still proceeded to canele for dessert and we met yuan li! who works there. i love the desserts.

p.s. i love love love my N95 5mp camera. kudos to good lighting and macro mode. on my phone camera! can you imagine.

black forest - crepes with dark chocolatey ice cream and alcohol-soaked cherries. with vanilla whipped cream, dark chocolate pieces and dusted with white icing.

the winner - rose petal ice cream with strawberry swirls, lychee bits and rose meringue sticks. dusted with white icing.

yummm. good food plus crazy dinner companions = i'm a happy girl.