say a little prayer.

today, tears fell as i talked to 4 of my girls. 3 of them openly teared uncontrollably, and i had no heart to tell them to stop. so instead, i stopped talking and let them cry.

later the 4th one admitted, she thought it was weird to cry over the stresses of school work. so she cries at home, where her sister is around to lend her a shoulder.

what started off as a extended-remedial session turned into an impromptu do-not-despair-there's-still-hope session. i experienced first hand how important my job is, fearing that the inability to cope with stress could drive my sweet girls to horrible consequences. i drew on past experience to help them understand the things they are going through. and i hope i did something right - and helped them to strive to cope with the demands of their school work, exams, and everything else. to be resilient. so they can be better prepared for what life brings.

but i also realised it's hard not to bring in God and His strength and comfort. looking back, He has blessed me during my times in JC, even when i turned away from Him, even when i did not seek Him. i don't remember being unable to cope with the heavy demands of 4 A level subjects, students' council, band and everything else. retrospectively, i can attribute these blessings to God's invisible hand in my life.

as i spoke to my girls, i'm fighting the urge not to bring in the comfort that God brings - because i know my limits of teaching in a secular school, and that i was talking to my students in school. i know God's power and His grace will be a source of comfort to them in this difficult time. but i know just about the only thing i can do is to pray for them, and to be there for them. and that's a start.

I've always treasured verses like these, from Deuteronomy. this week's memory verse:

"You must not fear them, for the Lord your God Himself fights for you."
Deuteronomy 3:22

***

last week during bethany's mid-autumn festival celebrations, pastor and i bonded over the simplest of things. tea. and it came out of nowhere, but inexplicably it brought a great sense of joy to my heart. strange.

pairing different chinese teas with different cuisines is just like pairing different wines to different meats. a certain tea (long jing) is good for sweet desserts - like mooncakes. and pastor and i very excitedly discussed why this is so. or rather, i told him how the taste went and it was right on the money! then later, he brewed another pot of a different tea (tie kuan yin), came over to the group i was chatting with, pulled me away and got me to try it. :) pastor's so cute. and i went away learning more about teas, making sure to ask him about teas more often, and making a mental note to buy him chinese teas when i travel to china.

i've always treasured pastor and His ministry and service to the Lord as our pastor. of late, i've realised how precious this fact is. from seeing how other pastors from other churches conduct funeral services, and realising how pastor takes the effort to tailor each message to suit the subject (funeral, wedding, baptism etc.) and the audience, how he makes an effort to get to know the youngest of children to the oldest of our brethren.

and just last weekend, how he strives to do the Lord's work despite his health. on friday, i received news of pastor's condition (bell's palsy) that rendered half of his face paralysed. after much prayer, i thought he would be resting at home, receiving treatment and medication. but i saw him in the lift on sat evening, leaving church. and i was stunned. pastor came to work just a day after his diagnosis. i thought he wouldn't be preaching from the pulpit on sunday - but he did. i thought pastor mark/mitch would be teaching us in catechism class on sunday afternoon - but he came in and taught us from Philippians 2, on humility. and i was struck again and again by his utmost dedication. plus the joy that is so evident when he is serving the Lord.

"Let this mind be in you which was also in Christ Jesus,
who, being in the form of God, did not consider it robbery to be equal with God,
but made Himself of no reputation, taking the form of a bondservant,
and coming in the likeness of men.
And being found in appearance as a man,
He humbled Himself and became obedient to the point of death,
even the death of the cross."
Philippians 2:5-8

in Jesus we have the example of true humility - and despite the fact that Jesus had EVERY reason in the world to be proud, (and we, as humans, have NO REASON whatsoever to be proud), He humbled Himself, became a servant, and was obedient to the point of His death on the cross. and pastor really conducts himself according to his faith. and he is the example for us all. and that's why he and his ministry are so precious to me. and i'm sure, to many of us. :)

that summer's moving on.

beach, facing the north sea
st. andrew's, scotland
summer'08

How the time passed away
All the trouble that we gave
And all those days we spent out by the lake
Has it all gone to waste?
All the promises we made
One by one they vanished just the same

Now it all seems so clear
There's nothing left to fear
So we made our way by finding what was real
Now the days are so long
That summer's moving on
We reach for something that's already gone

*All the things I still remember
Summer's never looked the same
Years go by and time just seems to fly
But the memories remain

In the middle of September
We'd still play out in the rain
Nothing to lose but everything to gain
Reflecting now on how things could've been
It was worth it in the end*

- September, Daughtry

longing for the carefree days of summer.
travelling and seeing the world.

time just seems to fly.
but the memories remain.

:)

the bonds of gratitude.

dusk at marina barrage
singapore
july'09

's been a long time since i was here. it's been a flurry of activity starting work and all. coupled with stealing time off to have a family picnic, or the birthday celebrations with all my dearest friends. work can be quite crazy but somehow, i enjoy my busy days. it's a love-hate relationship.

though there's always a time everyday that i hate my job. the first 10minutes after i force myself out of bed. working 10-12 hour days everyday, 5 days a week, is no joke.

but with the Lord's grace and strength i will make it. :)

***

well normally when i'm feeling bored, or when i get the travel itch, i'd come here, post a pretty picture that i took during my travels, write a bit and go back to what i'm doing. nowadays, apart from work, i go out or i try and finish my mammoth 4-season marathon of House.

as a result, this has been empty for awhile. and only something thought-provoking would bring me here.

via mr brown's twitter, i came across an article posted on a local e-journal of sorts. and being a sort-of scholar myself, i took it to myself to read the entire article, which was very very long. you'd think the author, a published author, writer and english major in northwestern many years ago and ex-teacher, would appreciate concision and some form of structure and organization in her essay.

anyway, she laments about her not making an informed decision when she signed on that dotted line when she was 19years old, and later being confined to the red tape of bureaucracy, forced to conform to government protocols, ideals and concepts.

later, she muses about how an overseas college education can profoundly change a person. and in that process, she had changed. and she resented her bond period, but still dutifully executed her responsibilities. she was the 'reluctant stayer', even when in her heart, she was a 'quitter', at least according to our PM.

don't think this summary does the article justice. so go read if you're interested.

my points. i agree with many points of view. and disagree. i'm sure many scholars would whole-heartedly applaud. but i do beg to differ.

1. at the beginning of it all, we made the choice to sign on the dotted line. we had all the time, the reasoning, the brain that God has given us to exercise free will. and whether we have made an informed decision or not, the onus lies with us to live with our decision.

if we were ignorant of the consequences, the job that awaits us or if we haven't given serious thought about the 6-year bond period or the 6-figure liquidated damages awaiting us should we quit, then the fault lies with no one, but us.

2. i'm one of the firm believers of quality teachers vs quantity. it's part of my idealistic nature, but the cynic in me says it's impossible. even with scholars, even with the best grades and the most amazing CVs, when your heart is not with teaching, you are not suitable. period. and for a scholar who resents that bond period, counting the days, i'd rather see your students in the hands of someone who has the heart for teaching.

3. fact of life - you can never escape politics and bureaucracy. it's everywhere. enough said.

4. i agree with all my heart, a college education changes one in ways that may still be invisible to us. years spent in classes, labs, project meetings, FYP madness, hall suppers, late-night production rehearsals, inter-school/hall games, illegal bbqs on school property, organizing events, midnight birthday sabo parties, mahjong sessions, cooking and drinking parties.

but having said that, the privilege of receiving a college education is not something that is available to all. some work their butts off to get into university. and for someone who has had the silver platter handed to (me included), shouldn't we be just the least bit thankful?

5. which brings me to my final point - on gratitude. without my sort-of scholarship, an award actually, i would never had been able to save my parents from footing my tuition fees AND give me allowance. my parent's money can be put to better use. i wouldn't be exposed to teaching attachments to reaffirm my decision of becoming a teacher. and i wouldn't have to look for a job in uncertain times.

and more importantly, i wouldn't be able to get an allowance top-up when i went on exchange, and enjoy my time in the US that much more. :) haha. and this 6-month stint in seattle did change me, widen my perspectives and made me realise - i have so much to be thankful for.

jason mraz is one of my favorite singers in the world. he's super talented, has a great voice, writes songs amazingly well. while i don't always agree with some parts of his lifestyle (eg. eating only raw food, argh; his spiritual beliefs are kind of strange etc.), but something i've always appreciated him for, is his continued reminders to be thankful. thankful for the people around us. for the world around us. to show gratitude for things that you have taken for granted.

from my perspective, i thank God for His grace and faithfulness. He has created all things, cared for all things, and abides with me everyday. When i was contemplating about accepting the award vs appealing into medical school, He allowed me to make an informed decision through prayer, meditation and placed people in my life who fed me sound advice. even as a very young Christian who was so far from being perfect and sinless, His faithfulness never faltered.

and because i was at peace with my decision, signing on the dotted line was easy. it was the best offer ever - to get paid to do something i love. even in the midst of difficulties, emotional turmoils, neverending work, horrible students who refuse to listen, i know my decision was right, and i know God will be there to strengthen me for the things to come.

and that is why, the next 3 years of my bond period should fly by pretty quickly. and i stick to my choice.

old english town.

flowers along lake road
windermere, britain

love spring and summer. flowers bloom. blue skies. the sun shines and yet the temperature hovers around 21C.

back to reality. of temperature screenings, work emails, admin, unpacking, getting rid of jet lag, editing photos and whatnot.

***

highlights of london'09

• watching ethan hawke, rebecca hall and company for a 2nd time this year, in the 2nd play of the double bill production by the old vic. i watched the winter's tale (shakespeare) in singapore for SGD123, and the cherry orchard (chekhov) in london for SGD20. ok the seats were crappy but i had no choice. theatre was full. nevertheless it was good, but i think the winter's tale was more gut-wrenching and emotional. although a plus point of cherry orchard is that ethan had a more meaty role. :)
• hanging out with the sister, after so long. we had our own marks&spencer dinner in her cosy apartment after cherry orchard when everyone else had fallen asleep. some yummy meatballs, salad and red wine.
• shopping was fabulous. the pound exchange rate was favorable and i shopped like a crazy woman at H&M. also bought lots of presents and stuff at harrods, whittard of chelsea, gucci (sale!), absolute vintage etc.
• watched wicked for the 2nd time with the sister, cousin-in-law and niece. ahhh sister and i were so deliriously happy after the musical. (and before too). i remember why i love the musical so much. and it was good to hear the witty dialogue again. also bought some merch (don't care if it's super ex!).
• the sister's cosy apartment with 10000 cable channels, pretty flowers, wooden floors for the living room, carpet floors for the bedroom, nice toilet, endless supply of wine, whisky, ginger ale, snacks and a well-stocked kitchen. :) we watched movies and tv shows on cable almost every night.
  
• taking the red london buses everywhere. i realise i should take buses more often when i travel rather than the tube/subway/metro/trains. they go underground and you can't see the sights and hear the sounds. with the bus i got to see the sights around london, saw how londoners lived their lives.
• exploring nooks and corners of london on my own. enjoying the beautiful weather. not a foggy day in sight!

well more highlights to come.

speaking of london, MJ was due to hold 50 concerts in london next month. and i remember lamenting not being able to afford/attend/get tickets for the concert. and i woke up today to sad news of his death. while i was supicious about his alleged accusations of child molestation and whatnot years ago, i can't deny his great influence on pop music and dance. that influence lasts till today and will continue through the years. his music and songs, often filled with socially-conscious lyrics (see Man In The Mirror, my all-time favorite; Heal the World, another favorite; Black or White, another favorite; Will You Be There, also another favorite).

as i tweeted earlier, my 1st memory of MJ is rocking out to the beats of Black or White. that was probably in primary school. and my 2nd memory of MJ was listening to 'Will You Be There' at the end of Free Willy the movie. and falling in love with the song.

i leave you with some lyrics to Man In The Mirror. :) respecting a great pop legend that paved the way for music that will inspire and transcend through the generations.

As I turned up the collar on
A favorite winter coat
This wind is blowin' my mind
I see the kids in the street
With not enough to eat
Who am I to be blind
Pretending not to see their needs

...

I'm starting with the man in the mirror
I'm asking him to change his ways
And no message could have been any clearer
If you wanna make the world a better place
Take a look at yourself and then make a change.

the case for the single 20-something girl.

on top of Calton Hill
edinburgh, scotland
may'08

countdown to europe'09: 4 days

i'm dreaming of the sprawling views of lake district in britain now, and shutting out pre-trip jitters, troubles, unhappiness.

at the risk of sounding like a spoiled brat, note to self: do not offer to plan back-to-back trips with the family, free-and-easy. it's a thankless job that should be done once in 2 years (at least).

***

at the 2nd risk of sounding like a materialistic girl - i recently discovered something. i'm sure this stemmed from my 2nd sister, but being single in your 20s is a great thing.

meeting up with old friends, some of the conversations have shifted course. we're now in the territory of weddings, HDB flats, engagement parties, diamonds and such. at first i was kinda taken aback at this shift, because i was still thinking that we should be talking about jobs and money and repaying our tuition loan and promotions and stuff. but the whole picture of marriage has secretly crept in.

as i listen to my friends forking out $10,000 and above for HDB downpayments, scrimping and saving for their wedding dinners, looking at renovation costs, wedding dresses etc., i can't help but smile at my own freedom from all that.

well, no doubt, i can't deny the comfort of having someone you love to provide emotional support in these turbulent times of transition and change in our 20s.

but i saw the better side of singlehood. the freedom of my days to spend with family and friends instead of running off to meet the BF. to cultivate good relationships with friends and colleagues and inevitably - network - with people that may come "useful" in future.

and the ability to enjoy the finer comforts of life. after struggling as a poor student for so many years, now it's time to spend those hard-earn cash at pampering oneself with nicer things. you work hard, and play hard right?

i've been able to wine and dine at nicer restaurants with nice food, buy clothes/bags/shoes that are slightly more expensive and a little more often than usual, bake more often and let my friends reap the joys of home-made desserts, go for awesome concerts, gigs, plays, movies (monsters vs aliens and terminator salvation back-to-back), buy CDs/DVDs, zai zai lens for the DSLR, give a little more back to God and His Work, and most of all, travel and see the world.

of course, material things should not replace love. and i'm not advocating that.

my point is: i've seen many strong women in their 20s and 30s who are single and loving it. not in the i'm-pretending-to-love-it-so-i-won't-look-pathetic way. but for real. and i know that they are as confident and complete as any woman who is happily attached or married. these women have great relationships with friends and family and are happy with their lives. and more often than not, they are walking rightly with the Lord.

well, as and when my white knight comes along to sweep me off my feet, i will patiently wait and think about saving money for my wedding (hopefully i'd earn more money then, so the burden's not so great, heh). and meanwhile, i can pamper myself and do more things with the little money i have and the little time i have for myself, that is my own. without worries, for now.