at the end of all things good,

the holidays are here and i finally have time to come here. my sanctuary.

the last 10 weeks have been kind of crazy. sometimes, i enjoy my work and the people i get to work with (students and colleagues alike) so much that i forget that it's not always a bed of roses. the stresses of working, the burden that i carry whenever i get reminded that my work deals with the lives of young people, that nagging need to strive for perfection and acceptance, that want to bring glory to the Lord and live my life as a testimony to the grace that i've been given.

sometimes, i'm glad i have a (physical) place to turn to in the middle of the work day. to reflect. think. cry out. pray. whenever a silly mistake was made. whenever big mistakes were made. whenever.

***

watching the whole slew of season and series finales the past few weeks to destress from work. thankful. 4 outstanding finales ought to be mentioned here.

1. house - just because it was shot entirely with a DSLR in HD. the canon 5d mkII was used, together with a mix of canon primes (i suspect they are below f1.4) and zeiss zooms (24-70mm, 70-200mm, if memory serves me well). the result was no different from the regular tv shows, but with an added bonus. the tremendous f-stops used ensured amazing an array of depths of field. and even though some scenes may seem out of focus, it fit into the storyline well. and did i mention cuddy and house are finally trying to make it work? :)

2. flashforward - went out with a cliffhanger-open-to-interpretation. the practicalities and business of broadcast media in america led to the axing of a once-promising show. and i'm still quite sad. the show was bouncing back from a few episodes of bad writing and script, but got axed way too soon. farewell flashforward.

3. lost - went out with a poignant smile, fully redeemed. in the end, the important questions were answered. the flash-sideways world was explained. our characters got the redemption they needed. and they moved on, together, to whatever comes after.

after all the adventure, mythology, spirituality, science, faith, philosophy, history, and the countless lessons and knowledge i've picked up watching the series, there are no regrets, no yearning for more (like i usually do with series finales), no burning questions (just a few small ones to satisfy my science brain), but just a quiet, poignant smile as jack closed his eyes and step into the light.

it also reminds me of being redeemed by the blood of Christ, reconciled with God, justified by faith, and the life in Heaven that awaits after we are done in this life. i used to struggle with the reality of a Heavenly Kingdom where there are no tears and sorrow, no sadness and fears. but God, sitting on His throne, where the angels sing and i can find rest for all eternity. though i still struggle with this sometimes (thanks to my science brain), i'm glad for a tv show that can remind me of this fact.

4. grey's anatomy - the season finale left me at the edge of my seat as charles, alex and derek lay dying and a grieving man who lost his wife went on a 2-hr (unrealistic, yes. pumps up the drama equation, yes.) shooting rampage in the hospital before committing suicide.

after i finished the show and started to think about what i saw, i got these flashbacks to the time where i was on exchange in the US. sitting in my poli-sci class, reading breaking news off my classmate's laptops about a shooting that happened on campus. MY campus. and i was ON campus, not at home. without details, my mind started to go crazy. is the gun man still going around shooting people? is he going to walk into my classroom with that loaded gun? it was a crazy time and i hardly paid attention. when i finally got hold of the details, the gun man had shot himself after he shot his ex-girlfriend in the chest 5 times, an ex-girlfriend he had been stalking. i'll never forget those crazy minutes (40 or so minutes) of fearing for my life.

and a few weeks later, the virginia tech massacre happened across the country i was in. my nightmare. and it is a sobering wakeup call for america to rethink its gun and ammunition laws. and it's also a gentle prod to be thankful for singapore.

ETA: i'm shaking my head as i type this after i saw a CNN breaking news tweet about a man going on a shooting rampage in the cumbria region of the UK, killing 12 people. they just found the shooter's body. cumbria is the region where lake district is, a beautiful place i visited last year. it's unthinkable. seriously.

one more thing that caught my attention in the grey's finale. the shooter asked the people he met whether or not they were surgeons. if the answer is yes, he shoots. this closely mirrors the rumors that surfaced during the aftermath of the columbine shootings, that the shooters asked the people if they believed in God, and if yes, they shoot. the rumors proved to not be true.

however, i thought about if it were true, how do people face such situations with the tremendous amount of courage that is needed. would we all respond like how Peter did, bearing in mind that a positive response would mean suffering, pain and death. or would we stand up for our faith and take the bullet, like so many disciples and apostles and servants of God today did? would we have that courage?

***

and yet i know, there is still hope in prayer as i grow in my faith. as we studied from the book of Jeremiah during YAG retreat, i can't help but change my mind about Jeremiah. i used to think he was really whiny and emo (esp. after studying the book of Lamentations).

but looking at things from a bigger perspective, i can see why the tears came as he prayed. his people were deliberately rebelling against God and not heeding his advice or warnings. Judah was suffering and yet Jeremiah's words fell on deaf ears. what was so outstanding about Jeremiah was how faithful and persevering he was as he served God. despite all that he went through, he still remained a faithful servant, and he constantly went back to God in prayer. that, to me, was really special. and inspiring.

overheard from house.

house: "trans-tracheal aspiration."
foreman: "that's practically waterboarding!"
wilson: "that's pretty radical."
hallucination-amber: "that's a great idea."
house, ignores amber: "is it regular radical, me radical or me-out-of-my-mind radical?"
wilson: "somewhere between regular and you."
house: "so what's the problem?"

haha i love such dialogue in House. hugh laurie is really a genius at playing House, and wilson (robert sean leonard). my guy from dead poet's society. love them both.

anyways it's a sneaky way to get waterboarding into the dialogue. especially now condi rice is under fire for the bush's administration actions and policies. and i'm getting lots of such storylines. grey's this week featured an anti-deforestation activist who was flung off the tree she was staying in when they cut down that tree.

and i applaud the writers of House for not blowing the whole amber-in-house's-head hallucination out of proportion, like what grey's anatomy did with denny and izzie. i never appreciated the whole making-love-to-a-hallucinated-person, even when battlestar galactica did it. but the sci-fi nature of BSG and the subsequent ending kind of accounts for that possibility.

but grey's was just stuck in a rut. i'm glad it's getting better now. :)

but Lost ranks at the top with House now. it better not kill of daniel faraday for good. i know with time travel, everything is possible now. faraday's my favorite character from the huge ensemble cast.

learning to breathe.

it's really nice to laugh again.

a long lunch with mr. v, mr. d, mr. j and ms. c led to 2 hours of laughing and getting-to-know-one-another and just chatting about life.

watching my favorite shows online again.
b&s offered great lines for rob lowe's character, sally field and calista flockhart.
heroes set up a series of big arcs for the next 9 episodes in the first volume of the season - yay more flash forwards and new powers.
grey's anatomy continued its soapy opera, which is my guilty pleasure.
house continues to make me laugh and intrigued by the cases (which is amazing: the endless supply of amazing radical out-of-this-world medical mysteries).
private practice is something i'm watching 'cos of addison the character and tim daly the actor. (:

i miss lost.

and the thing that makes me laugh these days: tina fe*y as sarah pa*lin. tina fe*y has the best and most spot-on impersonation of the veep candidate and she's hilarious! watching her exaggerate every wink, silly, dumb-"blonde", incoherent, incompetent, answer-evading move of sarah pa*lin is hilarious. she even talks like her and has the same twang. which i find the most annoying. tina fe*y is so gifted she totally deserves her Emmy.

***

well school is turning into madness. i'm trying to stay afloat in the midst of all of it. i am consciously reminding myself that my strength is not enough and not perfect for this, and by His grace and love, that my weakness is made perfect in HIS strength. and that wisdom is more important now than ever.

strength and wisdom. the subject of my prayers of late.

i just finished writing an article on Trust for the ypg website, and i'm very glad i did it. through the writing, i find myself even more convicted in my trust in the Lord that He will see me through my days. and these days are times i need it more than ever.

next week is madness week. i have something due EVERY DAY of the week. be it presentationS/teaching/assignmentS. and i know the only way to go through it and do it well is to keep my eyes, ears, heart and mind on the Lord and His Word. (:

mel shared this verse with me and i truly found it encouraging, so it shall be my verse of the week.

"I would have lost heart,
unless I had believed
That I would see the goodness of the LORD
In the land of the living.

Wait on the LORD;
Be of good courage,
And He shall strengthen your heart;
Wait, I say, on the LORD!"
- Psalm 27:13-14

when time resets.

in last week's season 5 opening episode of grey's anatomy, a car accident in a freak ice strom in seattle left 3 women shattered. one had to admit to her best friend that she has been sleeping with her best friend's husband. that cheating husband lost his ability to speak. the 3rd one lost her husband and she herself suffered a huge brain injury.

her brain injury now permanently resets her memory every 30 seconds to the time before the crash. every 30 seconds she asks her friends what happened, because she doesn't remember anything after the accident.

for awhile, her friends told her,
"you have been in a car accident."
"where's my husband?"
"he died."

until one time one of the doctors replied differently.
"he's on his way to the hospital. he's coming."

and for the next 20 seconds, she is happy. even when the truth is far from it.

and i got to thinking about time and memories. memories that we have is what makes life meaningful. purposeful. meredith grey's mother was afflicted with Alzheimer's disease, and was trapped in the memories of her youth. she barely recognizes her own daughter, alienates everyone in her life. and i wonder if that is living.

this woman has her memory reset every 30 seconds. and even when her husband is dead, this information will only make her sad for 20 seconds. and now for the rest of her life, she has to be taken care of by other people till her brain is corrected, or till she dies.

and it reminds me that our human mind is central to all things. the way we live, think, act, behave, play, interact, love. the human mind has invented, engineered, created the things around us, gone to space, split the atom, harness the power of the sun, extend life expectancy, made cars that go at 300kmh, trains that travel at the speed of sound, sent probes to the far reaches of our galaxy.

yet it is also simply the gateway to a relationship with God and salvation, and also the gateway to sin and the clutches of the evil one. the mind is the mastermind behind man's sinful nature - tearing apart the world that He has created and falling away from the love of His Creator.

if our mind is at the crux of our living and existence, and when it is lost altogether, are we still living?