nostalgic about the needle.

the seattle skyline

as seen from a ferryboat on puget sound

may'07

suddenly, i get hit with a wave of nostalgia.

and i'm yearning to head overseas to study again. contemplating a liberal arts program.

at the end of all things good,

the holidays are here and i finally have time to come here. my sanctuary.

the last 10 weeks have been kind of crazy. sometimes, i enjoy my work and the people i get to work with (students and colleagues alike) so much that i forget that it's not always a bed of roses. the stresses of working, the burden that i carry whenever i get reminded that my work deals with the lives of young people, that nagging need to strive for perfection and acceptance, that want to bring glory to the Lord and live my life as a testimony to the grace that i've been given.

sometimes, i'm glad i have a (physical) place to turn to in the middle of the work day. to reflect. think. cry out. pray. whenever a silly mistake was made. whenever big mistakes were made. whenever.

***

watching the whole slew of season and series finales the past few weeks to destress from work. thankful. 4 outstanding finales ought to be mentioned here.

1. house - just because it was shot entirely with a DSLR in HD. the canon 5d mkII was used, together with a mix of canon primes (i suspect they are below f1.4) and zeiss zooms (24-70mm, 70-200mm, if memory serves me well). the result was no different from the regular tv shows, but with an added bonus. the tremendous f-stops used ensured amazing an array of depths of field. and even though some scenes may seem out of focus, it fit into the storyline well. and did i mention cuddy and house are finally trying to make it work? :)

2. flashforward - went out with a cliffhanger-open-to-interpretation. the practicalities and business of broadcast media in america led to the axing of a once-promising show. and i'm still quite sad. the show was bouncing back from a few episodes of bad writing and script, but got axed way too soon. farewell flashforward.

3. lost - went out with a poignant smile, fully redeemed. in the end, the important questions were answered. the flash-sideways world was explained. our characters got the redemption they needed. and they moved on, together, to whatever comes after.

after all the adventure, mythology, spirituality, science, faith, philosophy, history, and the countless lessons and knowledge i've picked up watching the series, there are no regrets, no yearning for more (like i usually do with series finales), no burning questions (just a few small ones to satisfy my science brain), but just a quiet, poignant smile as jack closed his eyes and step into the light.

it also reminds me of being redeemed by the blood of Christ, reconciled with God, justified by faith, and the life in Heaven that awaits after we are done in this life. i used to struggle with the reality of a Heavenly Kingdom where there are no tears and sorrow, no sadness and fears. but God, sitting on His throne, where the angels sing and i can find rest for all eternity. though i still struggle with this sometimes (thanks to my science brain), i'm glad for a tv show that can remind me of this fact.

4. grey's anatomy - the season finale left me at the edge of my seat as charles, alex and derek lay dying and a grieving man who lost his wife went on a 2-hr (unrealistic, yes. pumps up the drama equation, yes.) shooting rampage in the hospital before committing suicide.

after i finished the show and started to think about what i saw, i got these flashbacks to the time where i was on exchange in the US. sitting in my poli-sci class, reading breaking news off my classmate's laptops about a shooting that happened on campus. MY campus. and i was ON campus, not at home. without details, my mind started to go crazy. is the gun man still going around shooting people? is he going to walk into my classroom with that loaded gun? it was a crazy time and i hardly paid attention. when i finally got hold of the details, the gun man had shot himself after he shot his ex-girlfriend in the chest 5 times, an ex-girlfriend he had been stalking. i'll never forget those crazy minutes (40 or so minutes) of fearing for my life.

and a few weeks later, the virginia tech massacre happened across the country i was in. my nightmare. and it is a sobering wakeup call for america to rethink its gun and ammunition laws. and it's also a gentle prod to be thankful for singapore.

ETA: i'm shaking my head as i type this after i saw a CNN breaking news tweet about a man going on a shooting rampage in the cumbria region of the UK, killing 12 people. they just found the shooter's body. cumbria is the region where lake district is, a beautiful place i visited last year. it's unthinkable. seriously.

one more thing that caught my attention in the grey's finale. the shooter asked the people he met whether or not they were surgeons. if the answer is yes, he shoots. this closely mirrors the rumors that surfaced during the aftermath of the columbine shootings, that the shooters asked the people if they believed in God, and if yes, they shoot. the rumors proved to not be true.

however, i thought about if it were true, how do people face such situations with the tremendous amount of courage that is needed. would we all respond like how Peter did, bearing in mind that a positive response would mean suffering, pain and death. or would we stand up for our faith and take the bullet, like so many disciples and apostles and servants of God today did? would we have that courage?

***

and yet i know, there is still hope in prayer as i grow in my faith. as we studied from the book of Jeremiah during YAG retreat, i can't help but change my mind about Jeremiah. i used to think he was really whiny and emo (esp. after studying the book of Lamentations).

but looking at things from a bigger perspective, i can see why the tears came as he prayed. his people were deliberately rebelling against God and not heeding his advice or warnings. Judah was suffering and yet Jeremiah's words fell on deaf ears. what was so outstanding about Jeremiah was how faithful and persevering he was as he served God. despite all that he went through, he still remained a faithful servant, and he constantly went back to God in prayer. that, to me, was really special. and inspiring.

ohhh work. bummer.

i'm constantly reminded that i have been neglecting this space, and penning less thoughts here. i still have the kings of convenience concert to archive. tomorrow, i head to esplanade theater to catch 'the tempest', this year's bridge project installment. and that will, hopefully, be followed by a good review (much like last year's 'the winter's tale'). and again, that reminds me, i didn't review the 2nd play of the bridge project's double-bill - chekov's 'the cherry orchard' after i saw it in london.

HOKAY. so easter came and went. i promise, i promise i will pen my thoughts down (here or elsewhere). the easter musical, again, moved me so much with its narrative and songs. it's just so amazing how songs, lyrics and music can move people and stir emotions.

finally bought my air tickets to zurich, which is my connecting city to scandinavia. quite a good bargain i must say - $1.6k return on the singapore airlines A380. now it's about finding my other flights, trains and cruises, plus excursions to neighbouring towns and norwegian fjords.

going on this trip means forgoing a study trip to hokkaido with science teachers association of singapore, which is totally expensive, but totally interesting. but to console myself, scandinavia is a pretty good thing too, plus i get to go for my singapore arts fest concerts and dances (yay joshua bell).

i'm being super tied down by work and more admin sai gang. but the Lord graciously gives me strength that is renewed with each new day. :) more to come.

cherry.

cherry blossoms at the UW campus

april 2007

seattle, washington

it's the time of the year where the cherry blossoms bloom everywhere. here a different species bloom, and though they aren't the sakura, they are beautiful nonetheless.

today i drove along bedok road on my way home (after detouring to get starbucks), and was so amazed to see the entire road lined with cherry blossom petals that fell during the rain.

i'm reminded of 2 things. how much i miss seattle, and how beautiful God's creations are. :)

Be still.

University of Washington campus
Seattle, WA
Spring 2007

Be still, my soul: the Lord is on your side. 
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain;  
leave to your God to order and provide;
in every change He faithful will remain.

Be still, my soul: your best, your heavenly friend
through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

The soul is weary. Desperate for a place to hide and rest in His grace.

who is this man?

on the day after Christmas, i happened to chance upon a program on discovery channel. a documentary titled 'who was Jesus?'. it was fascinating as 3 academics from universities in the US and Jerusalem went on a discovery around Jerusalem to all the sites. among many things discussed (largely from a scientific point of view), they talked about how Jesus would have looked liked according to physical anthropologists, excavated skulls and skeletons and the genetic pool of the people who lived 2009 years ago. archaeologists were also interviewed as they unearthed sites like Pilate's home where Jesus was sentenced to be crucified etc.

more than that, they also explored the process of the crucifixion, and what the body went through as the process was carried out. no doubt Jesus was the Son of God, but he had a mortal body and he went through pain and suffering too. so scientists now subjected bodies that were donated to science to the crucifixion process, plus a single evidence that was found - a heel bone with a nail driven through it.

MRI imaging shows that the nail is driven into the heel bone as it was the position that would have hurt the most, because of the intricate network of nerves that resides there.

i was greatly moved when i tried to imagine what Jesus must have gone through. the pain, suffering that was upon Him as He died slowly on the cross. tears came. and this christmas season, i'm once again reminded of who Jesus is. and how my wretchedness and sins have been washed away. and how i can be reconciled with God and receive the forgiveness that is so richly undeserved.

You laid aside your majesty

Gave up everything for me

Suffered at the hands

of those You have created

You took all my guilt and shame

When You died and rose again

Now today You reign

In Heaven and earth exalted

I really want to worship You my Lord

You opened up my heart and i am Yours

Forever and ever

I will love You

You are the only One who died for me

Gave Your life to set me free

So i lift my voice to You

In adoration

insidious.

i'm pretty sure the state of drunkenness and what it brings are the manifestation of everything that is wrong with man.

my friends know that i drink alcohol. my house has a big cabinet stocked with most hard liquors - several bottles of vodka, whiskey, rum, gin, martini, brandy, XO etc. and we have a fridge stocked with bottles and bottles of red wine, white wine, rose, champagne and beer.

at home, we have wine with dinners. we pop champagne when there's a special occasion (like my 21st party). and when friends come over, we mix some cocktails and chill. alcohol with the right mixers, alcohol with the right food, alcohol cooked with the right ingredients, can be a great delight and an art form to appreciate.

today i saw in the newspapers, photos of people passing out - dead drunk - on the beaches of sentosa from zouk out. the article reported that even when puke was everywhere, a guy was quoted, saying what's a party without drunk people?

how is randomly making out with some guy, or waking up with puke-stained clothes fun and exciting?

through my stay in hall and elsewhere, i've witnessed just about everything that's wrong with mankind. ok not everything. but i've seen excessive amounts of alcohol breaking up relationships, tarnishing reputations, and causing otherwise-sane-and-nice people to fall into the clutches of the evil one and sinning.

it all becomes real when the worst happens to someone you love - falling down a flight of stairs, a pool of blood around the head, skull cracked, 2-day coma and a life changed forever.

and the more insidious thing about this - is that our society thinks it's ok. it's ok to consume all that alcohol in the name of having fun, relaxing, or drowning one's troubles. all that peer pressure is the devil's way of ensnaring us. his ways are subtle, inconspicuous, and disguised in the name of innocence and fun.

as i grow older (and grow in my faith and knowledge of the Lord's Word), i see the depth of the words of life, i see how it applies to my life, and how uplifting it is. some time ago at ypg, pastor mitch challenged us to memorise 2 verses, out of which 1 is this one below. it really amazes me how the same verse can mean different things to you at different points of your life.

"Therefore we also, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses,
let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us,
and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us,"
Hebrews 12:1

and now that this verse is in my heart, i shall resolve to lay aside the sin which so easily ensnares us, and to run the race of life looking to Jesus. and my prayer for all to do the same, and not let these sins rule their lives. excessive alcohol included.

created in His image.

a good time to be reminded once again. this verse shall carry my weary soul till next year.

"Then God said, “Let Us make man in Our image, according to Our likeness;
let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, over the birds of the air,
and over the cattle, over all the earth
and over every creeping thing that creeps on the earth.”

So God created man in His own image;
in the image of God He created him;
male and female He created them.

Then God blessed them, and God said to them,
“Be fruitful and multiply; fill the earth and subdue it;
have dominion over the fish of the sea, over the birds of the air,
and over every living thing that moves on the earth.”"

- Genesis 1:26-28

the travel itch.

A part of Lake Crescent
Olympic National Park
Washington, USA
Summer, 2007

itching to travel again, but too many things going on in december.

i miss road trips. i miss my crazy road trip days in US. where i can have a crazy idea, hop out and rent a car, plan the route, drive to safeway to buy food, pile into the car and just drive. and within hours, i'm surrounded by amazing views, a thousand and one things to see, do and explore.

when you live on an island of a small country, this is what you yearn for.

well anyway, thoughts this weekend:

#1 - new moon the movie was much better than i had anticipated. and the movie is 1000x better than the book, which i hated. so there it goes. sister and i were hoping we wouldn't run into our students in the theater. :)

#2 - just finished watching CNN heroes, the tribute. as always, anderson cooper is too cute in his head of silver-white hair. but more than that, the inspiring stories that showcase how amazing and how far a single person or a group of persons can go to reach out to those in need.

orphans in east timor, the homeless that go hungry in new york city, children in need of prosthetic limbs, iraqi children in need of wheelchairs, women and children in zimbabwe that are raped at 6 years old by 18 HIV-positive men, women without health insurance that need mammograms and SO MANY MORE.

this beats the nobel peace prize.

#3 - choices. and choosing wisely.

#4 - and recapping:

"I beseech you therefore, brethren,
by the mercies of God, that you present your bodies a living sacrifice,
holy, acceptable to God, which is your reasonable service."
- Romans 12:1

say a little prayer.

today, tears fell as i talked to 4 of my girls. 3 of them openly teared uncontrollably, and i had no heart to tell them to stop. so instead, i stopped talking and let them cry.

later the 4th one admitted, she thought it was weird to cry over the stresses of school work. so she cries at home, where her sister is around to lend her a shoulder.

what started off as a extended-remedial session turned into an impromptu do-not-despair-there's-still-hope session. i experienced first hand how important my job is, fearing that the inability to cope with stress could drive my sweet girls to horrible consequences. i drew on past experience to help them understand the things they are going through. and i hope i did something right - and helped them to strive to cope with the demands of their school work, exams, and everything else. to be resilient. so they can be better prepared for what life brings.

but i also realised it's hard not to bring in God and His strength and comfort. looking back, He has blessed me during my times in JC, even when i turned away from Him, even when i did not seek Him. i don't remember being unable to cope with the heavy demands of 4 A level subjects, students' council, band and everything else. retrospectively, i can attribute these blessings to God's invisible hand in my life.

as i spoke to my girls, i'm fighting the urge not to bring in the comfort that God brings - because i know my limits of teaching in a secular school, and that i was talking to my students in school. i know God's power and His grace will be a source of comfort to them in this difficult time. but i know just about the only thing i can do is to pray for them, and to be there for them. and that's a start.

I've always treasured verses like these, from Deuteronomy. this week's memory verse:

"You must not fear them, for the Lord your God Himself fights for you."
Deuteronomy 3:22

***

last week during bethany's mid-autumn festival celebrations, pastor and i bonded over the simplest of things. tea. and it came out of nowhere, but inexplicably it brought a great sense of joy to my heart. strange.

pairing different chinese teas with different cuisines is just like pairing different wines to different meats. a certain tea (long jing) is good for sweet desserts - like mooncakes. and pastor and i very excitedly discussed why this is so. or rather, i told him how the taste went and it was right on the money! then later, he brewed another pot of a different tea (tie kuan yin), came over to the group i was chatting with, pulled me away and got me to try it. :) pastor's so cute. and i went away learning more about teas, making sure to ask him about teas more often, and making a mental note to buy him chinese teas when i travel to china.

i've always treasured pastor and His ministry and service to the Lord as our pastor. of late, i've realised how precious this fact is. from seeing how other pastors from other churches conduct funeral services, and realising how pastor takes the effort to tailor each message to suit the subject (funeral, wedding, baptism etc.) and the audience, how he makes an effort to get to know the youngest of children to the oldest of our brethren.

and just last weekend, how he strives to do the Lord's work despite his health. on friday, i received news of pastor's condition (bell's palsy) that rendered half of his face paralysed. after much prayer, i thought he would be resting at home, receiving treatment and medication. but i saw him in the lift on sat evening, leaving church. and i was stunned. pastor came to work just a day after his diagnosis. i thought he wouldn't be preaching from the pulpit on sunday - but he did. i thought pastor mark/mitch would be teaching us in catechism class on sunday afternoon - but he came in and taught us from Philippians 2, on humility. and i was struck again and again by his utmost dedication. plus the joy that is so evident when he is serving the Lord.

"Let this mind be in you which was also in Christ Jesus,
who, being in the form of God, did not consider it robbery to be equal with God,
but made Himself of no reputation, taking the form of a bondservant,
and coming in the likeness of men.
And being found in appearance as a man,
He humbled Himself and became obedient to the point of death,
even the death of the cross."
Philippians 2:5-8

in Jesus we have the example of true humility - and despite the fact that Jesus had EVERY reason in the world to be proud, (and we, as humans, have NO REASON whatsoever to be proud), He humbled Himself, became a servant, and was obedient to the point of His death on the cross. and pastor really conducts himself according to his faith. and he is the example for us all. and that's why he and his ministry are so precious to me. and i'm sure, to many of us. :)

the bonds of gratitude.

dusk at marina barrage
singapore
july'09

's been a long time since i was here. it's been a flurry of activity starting work and all. coupled with stealing time off to have a family picnic, or the birthday celebrations with all my dearest friends. work can be quite crazy but somehow, i enjoy my busy days. it's a love-hate relationship.

though there's always a time everyday that i hate my job. the first 10minutes after i force myself out of bed. working 10-12 hour days everyday, 5 days a week, is no joke.

but with the Lord's grace and strength i will make it. :)

***

well normally when i'm feeling bored, or when i get the travel itch, i'd come here, post a pretty picture that i took during my travels, write a bit and go back to what i'm doing. nowadays, apart from work, i go out or i try and finish my mammoth 4-season marathon of House.

as a result, this has been empty for awhile. and only something thought-provoking would bring me here.

via mr brown's twitter, i came across an article posted on a local e-journal of sorts. and being a sort-of scholar myself, i took it to myself to read the entire article, which was very very long. you'd think the author, a published author, writer and english major in northwestern many years ago and ex-teacher, would appreciate concision and some form of structure and organization in her essay.

anyway, she laments about her not making an informed decision when she signed on that dotted line when she was 19years old, and later being confined to the red tape of bureaucracy, forced to conform to government protocols, ideals and concepts.

later, she muses about how an overseas college education can profoundly change a person. and in that process, she had changed. and she resented her bond period, but still dutifully executed her responsibilities. she was the 'reluctant stayer', even when in her heart, she was a 'quitter', at least according to our PM.

don't think this summary does the article justice. so go read if you're interested.

my points. i agree with many points of view. and disagree. i'm sure many scholars would whole-heartedly applaud. but i do beg to differ.

1. at the beginning of it all, we made the choice to sign on the dotted line. we had all the time, the reasoning, the brain that God has given us to exercise free will. and whether we have made an informed decision or not, the onus lies with us to live with our decision.

if we were ignorant of the consequences, the job that awaits us or if we haven't given serious thought about the 6-year bond period or the 6-figure liquidated damages awaiting us should we quit, then the fault lies with no one, but us.

2. i'm one of the firm believers of quality teachers vs quantity. it's part of my idealistic nature, but the cynic in me says it's impossible. even with scholars, even with the best grades and the most amazing CVs, when your heart is not with teaching, you are not suitable. period. and for a scholar who resents that bond period, counting the days, i'd rather see your students in the hands of someone who has the heart for teaching.

3. fact of life - you can never escape politics and bureaucracy. it's everywhere. enough said.

4. i agree with all my heart, a college education changes one in ways that may still be invisible to us. years spent in classes, labs, project meetings, FYP madness, hall suppers, late-night production rehearsals, inter-school/hall games, illegal bbqs on school property, organizing events, midnight birthday sabo parties, mahjong sessions, cooking and drinking parties.

but having said that, the privilege of receiving a college education is not something that is available to all. some work their butts off to get into university. and for someone who has had the silver platter handed to (me included), shouldn't we be just the least bit thankful?

5. which brings me to my final point - on gratitude. without my sort-of scholarship, an award actually, i would never had been able to save my parents from footing my tuition fees AND give me allowance. my parent's money can be put to better use. i wouldn't be exposed to teaching attachments to reaffirm my decision of becoming a teacher. and i wouldn't have to look for a job in uncertain times.

and more importantly, i wouldn't be able to get an allowance top-up when i went on exchange, and enjoy my time in the US that much more. :) haha. and this 6-month stint in seattle did change me, widen my perspectives and made me realise - i have so much to be thankful for.

jason mraz is one of my favorite singers in the world. he's super talented, has a great voice, writes songs amazingly well. while i don't always agree with some parts of his lifestyle (eg. eating only raw food, argh; his spiritual beliefs are kind of strange etc.), but something i've always appreciated him for, is his continued reminders to be thankful. thankful for the people around us. for the world around us. to show gratitude for things that you have taken for granted.

from my perspective, i thank God for His grace and faithfulness. He has created all things, cared for all things, and abides with me everyday. When i was contemplating about accepting the award vs appealing into medical school, He allowed me to make an informed decision through prayer, meditation and placed people in my life who fed me sound advice. even as a very young Christian who was so far from being perfect and sinless, His faithfulness never faltered.

and because i was at peace with my decision, signing on the dotted line was easy. it was the best offer ever - to get paid to do something i love. even in the midst of difficulties, emotional turmoils, neverending work, horrible students who refuse to listen, i know my decision was right, and i know God will be there to strengthen me for the things to come.

and that is why, the next 3 years of my bond period should fly by pretty quickly. and i stick to my choice.

old english town.

flowers along lake road
windermere, britain

love spring and summer. flowers bloom. blue skies. the sun shines and yet the temperature hovers around 21C.

back to reality. of temperature screenings, work emails, admin, unpacking, getting rid of jet lag, editing photos and whatnot.

***

highlights of london'09

• watching ethan hawke, rebecca hall and company for a 2nd time this year, in the 2nd play of the double bill production by the old vic. i watched the winter's tale (shakespeare) in singapore for SGD123, and the cherry orchard (chekhov) in london for SGD20. ok the seats were crappy but i had no choice. theatre was full. nevertheless it was good, but i think the winter's tale was more gut-wrenching and emotional. although a plus point of cherry orchard is that ethan had a more meaty role. :)
• hanging out with the sister, after so long. we had our own marks&spencer dinner in her cosy apartment after cherry orchard when everyone else had fallen asleep. some yummy meatballs, salad and red wine.
• shopping was fabulous. the pound exchange rate was favorable and i shopped like a crazy woman at H&M. also bought lots of presents and stuff at harrods, whittard of chelsea, gucci (sale!), absolute vintage etc.
• watched wicked for the 2nd time with the sister, cousin-in-law and niece. ahhh sister and i were so deliriously happy after the musical. (and before too). i remember why i love the musical so much. and it was good to hear the witty dialogue again. also bought some merch (don't care if it's super ex!).
• the sister's cosy apartment with 10000 cable channels, pretty flowers, wooden floors for the living room, carpet floors for the bedroom, nice toilet, endless supply of wine, whisky, ginger ale, snacks and a well-stocked kitchen. :) we watched movies and tv shows on cable almost every night.
  
• taking the red london buses everywhere. i realise i should take buses more often when i travel rather than the tube/subway/metro/trains. they go underground and you can't see the sights and hear the sounds. with the bus i got to see the sights around london, saw how londoners lived their lives.
• exploring nooks and corners of london on my own. enjoying the beautiful weather. not a foggy day in sight!

well more highlights to come.

speaking of london, MJ was due to hold 50 concerts in london next month. and i remember lamenting not being able to afford/attend/get tickets for the concert. and i woke up today to sad news of his death. while i was supicious about his alleged accusations of child molestation and whatnot years ago, i can't deny his great influence on pop music and dance. that influence lasts till today and will continue through the years. his music and songs, often filled with socially-conscious lyrics (see Man In The Mirror, my all-time favorite; Heal the World, another favorite; Black or White, another favorite; Will You Be There, also another favorite).

as i tweeted earlier, my 1st memory of MJ is rocking out to the beats of Black or White. that was probably in primary school. and my 2nd memory of MJ was listening to 'Will You Be There' at the end of Free Willy the movie. and falling in love with the song.

i leave you with some lyrics to Man In The Mirror. :) respecting a great pop legend that paved the way for music that will inspire and transcend through the generations.

As I turned up the collar on
A favorite winter coat
This wind is blowin' my mind
I see the kids in the street
With not enough to eat
Who am I to be blind
Pretending not to see their needs

...

I'm starting with the man in the mirror
I'm asking him to change his ways
And no message could have been any clearer
If you wanna make the world a better place
Take a look at yourself and then make a change.

the case for the single 20-something girl.

on top of Calton Hill
edinburgh, scotland
may'08

countdown to europe'09: 4 days

i'm dreaming of the sprawling views of lake district in britain now, and shutting out pre-trip jitters, troubles, unhappiness.

at the risk of sounding like a spoiled brat, note to self: do not offer to plan back-to-back trips with the family, free-and-easy. it's a thankless job that should be done once in 2 years (at least).

***

at the 2nd risk of sounding like a materialistic girl - i recently discovered something. i'm sure this stemmed from my 2nd sister, but being single in your 20s is a great thing.

meeting up with old friends, some of the conversations have shifted course. we're now in the territory of weddings, HDB flats, engagement parties, diamonds and such. at first i was kinda taken aback at this shift, because i was still thinking that we should be talking about jobs and money and repaying our tuition loan and promotions and stuff. but the whole picture of marriage has secretly crept in.

as i listen to my friends forking out $10,000 and above for HDB downpayments, scrimping and saving for their wedding dinners, looking at renovation costs, wedding dresses etc., i can't help but smile at my own freedom from all that.

well, no doubt, i can't deny the comfort of having someone you love to provide emotional support in these turbulent times of transition and change in our 20s.

but i saw the better side of singlehood. the freedom of my days to spend with family and friends instead of running off to meet the BF. to cultivate good relationships with friends and colleagues and inevitably - network - with people that may come "useful" in future.

and the ability to enjoy the finer comforts of life. after struggling as a poor student for so many years, now it's time to spend those hard-earn cash at pampering oneself with nicer things. you work hard, and play hard right?

i've been able to wine and dine at nicer restaurants with nice food, buy clothes/bags/shoes that are slightly more expensive and a little more often than usual, bake more often and let my friends reap the joys of home-made desserts, go for awesome concerts, gigs, plays, movies (monsters vs aliens and terminator salvation back-to-back), buy CDs/DVDs, zai zai lens for the DSLR, give a little more back to God and His Work, and most of all, travel and see the world.

of course, material things should not replace love. and i'm not advocating that.

my point is: i've seen many strong women in their 20s and 30s who are single and loving it. not in the i'm-pretending-to-love-it-so-i-won't-look-pathetic way. but for real. and i know that they are as confident and complete as any woman who is happily attached or married. these women have great relationships with friends and family and are happy with their lives. and more often than not, they are walking rightly with the Lord.

well, as and when my white knight comes along to sweep me off my feet, i will patiently wait and think about saving money for my wedding (hopefully i'd earn more money then, so the burden's not so great, heh). and meanwhile, i can pamper myself and do more things with the little money i have and the little time i have for myself, that is my own. without worries, for now.

summer is here. :)

before tp started; horsing around with photobooth

after tp, life's been good. we keep saying it's our last chance ever to relax, chill out and have fun before we are released to schools to bear to brunt of working life and horrible students.

summer is here early and it's hotter than ever. coupled with fieldtrips to sungei buloh wetland reserve, labrador park rocky shore and macritchie nature reserve, makes for plenty of heat rashes, mozzie bites, sticky skin, cold drinks, air-con blasting.

time has been mostly spent with my crazy nie friends. my other friends are all working in the day. so gatherings, dinners, lunches, movies, east coast park, badminton, weddings (indian temple, catholic church, zoo reception) etc. have been spent with them.

we have eaten everywhere in singapore. we have travelled everywhere in singapore. east, west, north west, northeast, south, central. from city center, traffic jams to the most ulu parts of singapore.

i'm reminded that love is all around. :)

i have started baking again. :) to which i'm very happy about.

i have learnt a lot about plants, sea creatures, animals and birds.

i'm falling in love with my new DSLR and lens. awesome photos.

i love the american idol finale. i love both kris allen and adam lambert. i love the 10,000 performances for the finale show. i love that some kind souls on the internet have made the m*p3s of the performances and studio versions of the songs available. :) and i like the music education i get from american idol.

i realized that kris allen's cover of bob dylan's to make you feel my love, makes me cry.

i have learnt that hope in God's promises is what drives me day to day. and i have to be conscious of His promises so i do not lose sight of what is important in life. that i don't drift from event to event, job to job, day by day. and to see His creations so diverse, creative and lovely, however small and insignificant they may be.

sea anemones

inter-tidal zone of labrador park rocky shores

thrash it out.

i like it when issues come into my head. from lively lunch conversations to blog posts to facebook notes to twitter 140-character muses to long op-ed pieces online to song lyrics.

i like that there's diversity in opinions. i like it when i'm challenged to review my own mind, my own stand, my own opinion of these issues. from the aware saga, to global warming, to the H1N1 pandemic, to the civil service and what it means to be a public servant, to my own knowledge of God's word and how to apply His word correctly and appropriately to our lives here on our temporary home, a tent if you like (1 Cor).

when i read/hear contrasting views, i remind myself that pluralism and diversity in our world is good. it forces us to re-examine our own set of beliefs and values. not only that, it also forces me to admit my own sinful nature (which i thoroughly despise myself for) and judgmental ways, and reminds me along the way that i'm in no business to criticize others and be self-righteous. that God has given each human being his/her own free will. and how we exercise that right to choose will ultimately determine our own fate and affect our walk with God.

just some thoughts i don't want to forget before going to bed.

***

adam lambert is awesome! and though i was a fan of danny gokey, he has become so cocky and over-confident. and he totally screwed the last note of 'dream on'. i think kris should go into top 3. but danny fans will be voting in full force. oh well.

***

i'm getting chills from the most unlikely songs.

• chris martin on the piano singing 'have yourself a merry little christmas' (yes i listen to christmas songs all year round).
• jason mraz on the guitar, plucking etta james cover, 'at last' in the beginning of 'sleep all day'.
• stars, the haunting song 'barricade'.
• rachael yamagata and the harmonies on 'duet'.
• mairi campbell & dave francis's version of 'auld lang syne', on OST of sex and the city movie.
• jack johnson, sings english and spanish on 'belle'.
• death cab for cutie, 'transatlanticism'.
  
• jewel and sarah mclaughlin, beautiful melodies on 'song for a winter's night'.
• jason mraz and piano, unplugged 'mr. curiosity' as heard at singapore concert 2009

did i ever mention how much i love music and how i can't live without it? :)

pre-easter thoughts.

the insane week comes to a close. and what better way to end it. by celebrating the death and resurrection of my Lord and his work on the cross.

singing at easter's musicale, more than just a man, has been very impactful. i think the medium of acting and stepping into the shoes of a character is pretty amazing. to be a totally (ok maybe not totally) different person. and especially in this musical.

i remember distinctly a q&a sort of application/quiz that i did on facebook years ago. if i could go back in time, when would that be. and i remembered so clearly my answer was - to go back to the time where Jesus was teaching and preaching and performing miracles. and in this musical, i'm able to see uncle W as Jesus, teaching and healing and carrying the cross all bloodied and beaten and finally be nailed to the cross with all my sins. as a member of the crowd watching him, i could just imagine what a great privilege it was to be able to learn from the Master Teacher Himself. to hear Him speak and teach God's word. i catch myself being so mesmerized by the scenes that i forget my lyrics. :)

well, on a similar note, my prayers of late have been focused on being a good teacher to my students, and to learn from the Master Teacher Himself. always seeking to learn from His word and His ways and never to fall into the trap of being too-smart or too-proud or holier-than-thou or smarter-than-you.

today i taught my first integrated program class of sec 3s. it was daunting 'cos
1) chemistry is not my strength, forte, university major.
2) they are IP kids, supposedly creme of the crop.
3) my CT is the HOD of science, though he's a jolly good fellow, easy going and sometimes a bit insane.
4) having to plan and teach a 100-minute lesson for the first time in my life in chemistry.
5) my fellow practicum friend requested that she sat in my class, and i didn't want to turn her down because of my nerves. also because it'll be a good learning opportunity for both of us. so i had 2 people observing my lesson.

so i survived with loads of self-discipline to plan and research and come up with that lesson, 'stealing' ideas from the internet, periodic distractions of entertainment news and tv shows (HOUSE delivered a shocking suicide!), lots of music blasting in my ears (muse, coldplay, jason mraz, avalon, switchfoot, david cook), lots of teh-o peng and earl grey tea, escape-from-work lunch at old airport road and getting hazed by my own chemistry teacher who took my phone and hid it in his pocket,

and lots of prayers and more prayers.

well they all worked. although it was murphy's law galore during my lesson - i got generally positive comments from my HOD. and i thought the kids understood ionic bonding (crossing fingers).

ok the insane week actually continues into easter weekend. so it's all about planning and managing again. which i dislike 'cos my ideal easter weekend is filled not with work, but with the Lord and His people and His songs. but what to do.

ok i'm ranting. so i shall go back to my mountain of marking. and tomorrow i'll don on my jew costume and be a merry jewish girl celebrating the passover in jeruselum and hearing Jesus teach and rejoicing at His resurrection. Jesus is alive! :) :)

***

am i the only one who thinks that chris martin (coldplay) looks quite like hugh laurie (house). maybe it's the british guy look. :)

tales of long, hard winters.

so it's been almost a week since i last saw ethan hawke and heard him sing and play the guitar. :)

and i was so lucky to catch him outside esplanade theater's stage door, his guitar case strapped to his back. :) ahhhhh why didn't i just stop and say hi?

ok so the winter's tale wasn't all about that. in fact, ethan hawke's character, autolycus, is a supporting character in shakespeare's tragic comedic play. yes, a paradox there. bear with me while i remember the plot, which is super interesting and tragically shakespearean.

plot
act 1

the play opens in the kingdom of sicilia. the king of neighbouring city bohemia, polixenes (josh hamilton) was visiting the king of sicilia, leontes (simon russel beale). polixenes has been in sicilia for months now, and they are enjoying one another's company. leontes has a beautiful and pregnant wife, hermione (rebecca hall) and a young son, mamillius (morven christie). polixenes decides to return to bohemia, anxious to see his son and wife, after being away for so long. but leontes, eager for his great company, tries to get him to stay for a longer time. after he fails, he sends hermione to persuade him, and quite readily, polixenes agrees. onstage, the chemistry between hermione and polixenes is undeniable.

so now, leontes slowly begins to get suspicious. why did polixenes agree so quickly to hermione's request, when he himself, the king, tried so hard and failed? then his mind, from now on, went into a downward spiral as he rants on and on in long monologues, about how sure he was that his beautiful wife was having an affair with polixenes and that the baby is not his. his thoughts and mind literally drove him to insanity and extreme paranoia.

so he orders the lord of sicilia, camillo, to kill polixenes, and threw hermione into jail, pending charges of adultery and conspiracy. camillo, instead, warns polixenes, and together they flee sicilia for bohemia and never returned. hermione gives birth to a baby girl while in prison, and leontes orders antigonus (another lord of sicilia) to dispose of the illegitimate child.

when hermione was standing trial for her alleged charges, she pleads innocence and asks leontes to be reasonable and see things right again. the judge brings in the 'oracle', a magical quill that will tell the truth. the oracle, of course, writes that hermione is innocent. but leontes was so consumed with rage and paranoia that is beyond reason and logic, sentences her to death anyway. at the next moment, they find out that their son, mamillius has died. upon hearing the news, hermione, already distraught over her husband's decision, was so overcome with grief that she died. leontes finally comes to his senses and promises to grieve over his wife and son for as long as he shall live.

meanwhile, antigonus (dakin matthews, the reverend from desperate housewives; the headmaster of rory's prep school in gilmore girls; and many other roles in tv and films) and someone (i couldn't get the name) comes to the edge of bohemia and sets the infant down in a basket with a box full of money. in a thunderstorm, antigonus was chased away by a bear (hilarious and totally out of point. i wonder if shakespeare is trying to be funny) and i can't remember what happened to his companion.

then, a shepherd of bohemia (richard easton) chances upon the infant, and the money. he and his son 'clown' (who appeared just meters behind where i was sitting at esplanade theatre stalls, and shouted something so loudly that i nearly jumped out from my seat) adopts the baby girl and takes the money.

time enters. 16 years has passed. leontes has spent 16 years grieving for his wife and son. the baby girl, named perdita (played by the same actress who played mamillius), has grown into a beautiful young woman, bearing a striking resemblance to hermione. she does not know of her heritage or that she was adopted by the old shepherd. and she is dating the prince of bohemia (polixenes's son) florizel (michael braun, who looks asian-american).

act 2

opens with autolycus (ethan hawke), a rouge and thief. autolycus is a guitar strumming wanderer who goes from place to place, meeting people to steal from. he is michievous and has the best and funniest lines, and he reminds me of puck from a midsummer's night dream.

autolycus comes to the town festival and entertains (or rather, charms) the crowd (with the shepherd, perdita, florizel etc. present) with his songs and selling his stolen goods. there was a song and dance item, and another outrageous dance routine featuring 2 round balloons tied to the girls' chests and 1 long balloon tied to the guys' crotches. and the dance is super laden with sexual connotations and imagery. (again i wonder, what's the link?!?!)

2 visitors with hats and big white beards arrive at the town festival. they join in the festivities and found out that florizel, the prince, is marrying the daughter of the shepherd, perdita. one of the men questions florizel, whether he is inviting his father (the king) to the wedding, but (i couldn't catch why) florizel is not. all he** breaks loose when the 2 visitors reveal themselves to the polixenes (the king himself) and camillo (his now faithful servant). polixenes objects (i presume because perdita is not of a royal parentage) and demands that they break up and florizel return to court.

*ps. wouldn't it be twisted if perdita IS the illegitimate child of polixenes and hermione, which will make perdita and florizel step-siblings* (ok i watch too much tv).

so naturally, the couple decides to elope to sicilia. with a little help from autolycus (who has been watching from the sidelines quietly). the shepherd and his son hears of this, and decides that he should tell polixenes the truth about perdita's parentage. they chance upon autolycus, who tricks them into believing that he is a member of the court ('cos he's wearing florizel's robes, having exchanged them to help the couple disguise while eloping). the shepherd tells autolycus everything, and autolycus decides to help them and help polixenes by telling them where the couple went.

arriving at sicilia, the couple meets with leontes and members of the court. leontes notices the resemblance of perdita with his late wife, but says nothing of it. till polixenes and his entourage arrives at sicilia, and the truth is finally set free. leontes tearfully and emotionally reunites with his daughter, albeit awkardly. and polixenes agrees to the union.

paulina, wife of antigonus and good friend of hermione, announces that that's a statue (or wax figure) of hermione that has been completed and is waiting to be revealed. so she brings everyone to the statue. leontes asks why are there wrinkles on the face of the statue, and paulina says that it's because the artist is so skillful that he is able to project how hermione will look like now. and you know how this ends.

by magic, the statue comes to life. everyone was so taken aback that they asked if she could talk and walk. in actual fact, hermione had not died and was hid away from the wrath of leontes, knowing that one day her name will be cleared (also 'cos the oracle said so) and she will be reunited with her daughter again. and it was these thoughts that kept her going these past 16 years. mother and daughter are now tearfully reunited and the play ends. :)

***

hokay that took a long time to remember and type. with the help of wikipedia, i managed to really grasp the finer (but not literary) details of the play. this play is clearly defined into 2. 2 cities, 2 kings, 2 people, 2 acts, 2 different emotional acts. act 1 was very dark and tragic. act 2 was lighter, funnier and easy on the eyes, though the last part of act 2 dived into the heavy emotional part again. but that sort of acts as a nice bookend to coherently wrap up the play.

words
one thing's for sure. having studied literature only for 2 years, when i was 13-14 years old, and only studying one play in depth (shakespeare's the merchant of venice), it is hard to make out the language and words of the play. you kinda get the gist of what's happening on stage, but not the individual words. it also didn't help that some of the actors bunched up all their words into a long continous line of sounds with no discernible breaks in between. like josh hamilton. even though he was speaking in his native american accent, ohman, i couldn't catch his words!!

so that was probably the only bad thing, which i can attributed the fault to my untrained ears and mind.

actors/direction
were all really awesome. i have to mention the following:
simon russel beale (leontes) is a well-respected veteran of shakespearean theater. and it shows, loud and clear. he easily dived into the insane, twisted and paranoid mind of leontes and his monologues were amazing. the depth of his emotional performance was astoundingly good.

rebecca hall (hermione) was surprisingly good too. i didn't think much of her, but i was blown away by her performance too. she was so heartbreaking as the wronged, innocence wife and when she pleaded her case in court to leontes, wow, i really wanted to stand up and defend her and punch leontes for accusing her and giving her a big hug. :) it was so heartbreaking, and not to mention she's so gorgeous.

ethan hawke (autolycus). why, of course. :) need i say more?
well he was good too! as the theiving roaming rogue, he was right in character. this man can play anything, just look at his works. this character reminds me a little of johnny depp too. his deep voice. ahhh. could tell he was not very confident with singing and guitar-playing simultaneously (or maybe i just watched 2 great men who can do that well: chris martin, jason mraz). but no mistakes. and his singing was niiicccee. raspy tenor. :)

sam mendes (director) did a fabulous job with this interpretation. though i can't comment much without a basis of comparison, i got it. a shakespeare play, with dialogue in shakespearean english and many tales, and despite being tired from a whole day of activities in church, i still managed to understand, appreciate and enjoy the play! the comic relief sections were a good welcome from the heavy tragedies, though through his expert direction, they were protrayed tastefully and not overdone in a big-bang soap-opera fashion. well i wouldn't expect anything less from him actually. :) just wished he'd taken a curtain call with the cast.

costume design
very wintry. that was my impression and i wonder if it was deliberate. there were long coats with details on collars. fitted corset tops with long flowing full skirts and deep colours. hermione had this deep purple empire cut floor-length dress that she wore when she's pregnant and it's so nice! the men were well-dressed in formal coats, blazers, tux and dress pants. perdita had this gorgeous green grecian dress detailed with flowers.

sets/lighting design
was so nice. :) act 1 in sicilia had a beautiful backdrop of candles suspended in midair, and candles on the ground. act 2 in bohemia had the town festival. with red, white and blue (oh america, oh america) helium balloons everywhere. lighting was good. as always. i'm always fascinated by lighting design and esplanade theater has an impressive set of lights. every lighting direction and position was executed perfectly and complimented the play well.

music
not too much. some handbells, chimes, violins (for act 1), adding accordians, cellos, EH's guitar, guitars for act 2. but is beautifully scored. and EH's songs were nice too! in a folksy, country sort of way. songs that tell a story.

audience
heard from a friend who was at the opening night that the audience was horrible. she was at the 5th row from the front and had horrible audience neighbours. well M and i were quite blessed. first we were upgraded from circle 2 (3rd floor) to center stalls. of the stalls, we were 3rd row from the back of the ground level. and i was just so thankful for those $250-a-pop seats which i couldn't possibly afford. but those seats allowed me to enjoy the experience so much more, and actually see the facial expressions of each actor on stage.

and we had a great audience on sunday night! probably half of them were caucasians (much like the coldplay concert), but they were attentive, laughing at the appropriate parts and keeping quiet at the tragic parts. most of all, standing ovations are in order and the cast took another curtain call graciously. EH even clutch his right fist to his heart while he took a second bow. :)

hokay this is a long review. and i shall stop here for now. hopefully i can catch the other play of this double bill, the cherry orchard, in london. which will be played by the same cast. :)

***

well, friday is here again and i'm taking it easy. busy week next week. with my first chemistry IP class, lesson prep, tons of marking, event on (Holy) saturday, easter musical, easter lunch. shall unwind from this week with some saturday brunch, lazing with good friends next to horses. :) :)

the awesomeness of march.

why march was such an unforgettable month.

• caught jason mraz live. amazing.
• caught many good movies with good friends (benjamin button, he's just not that into you, slumdog millionaire, marley&me).
• had a great time at MH's. chilling to nice pizzas from serangoon gardens and a night of guitar hero world tour and good company.
• had many catchup sessions with various friends from NIE, bethany, and all over, over good meals. always enjoying good fellowship and the fruits of our labor.
• work was both satisfying and frustrating at the same time. which made for many laugh-out-loud moments at my silly students (and other teachers' silly students).
• work-life balance quite easily obtained at my workplace (for now). the ability to work hard and play hard is something i hope to achieve when i start work for real.
• the march holidays.
• the many rehearsals and practices for the upcoming easter musical. and witnessing the tremendous progress made in just a few weeks, all credit goes to the ones leading the choirs, costumes, stage, props, AV, music, and the Lord's blessings and grace.
• caught coldplay live, for the 2nd time. amazing x2.
• bought my tickets to london for june. i'll get to see zeh, watch musicals and hopefully plays, and travel in UK and europe again! :)
  
• caught the winter's tale. my first shakespeare play live on stage. seeing ethan hawke (and the rest of the pristine cast) on stage. hearing him sing and strum the guitar. hokay. the entire play was kind of amazing in a shakespeare way. more to come in another post.
• caught sight of EH and several other cast members heading out the B1 stage door when i was turning out of the esplanade carpark. and for a split second i contemplated stopping the car and winding down the window to say hi. of course i didn't, and totally regretted it. till now.

all these joys and blessings come to me and i'm ever so thankful and grateful. :) i wouldn't expect any more months to be so filled and enriched, with songs and music, with art and soul, with praise and worship. but hopefully, with the Lord's grace, it can be, and will be.

the cure for monday blues.

is your boss declaring no lessons after 10am, in the light of the stellar results of the class of 2008. :)

thinking about the high-energy jason mraz concert and the high-energy guitar hero world tour marathon at MH's on sat night. our very own rock concert!

singing my weekend away. at guitar hero, at easter musical rehearsals sat and sun. being able to sing for the Lord.

reflecting on the Lord's goodness and grace. and being challenged once again to hide His word in my heart always, in all wisdom. (colossians 3:16)

thoughts and epiphanies.

my 2nd week at T is coming to an end. so far, all is good. i'm thankful to be posted to T as my first place of work because it's in my comfort zone, and the staff culture is nurturing, caring and holistic. though there is a lot of work, and people do succumb to the occasional (or sometimes often) complaining, i'm a firm believer in stop-whining-and-suck-it-up!

after a series of websites-surfing i came across a page which totally just explains the state of our education system. all these whining people who complain and complain about the mountains of work that teachers have to do, and whine about our horrible state of the education system and all its ugly truths - hello! stop and take a look at yourself. YOU are part of the system, and YOU whine, so YOU are contributing to the horrible state of the system.

so until YOU leave the system, it will continue to be horrible. (oh come on, if you are having such a horrible time, any recession should not stop you from resigning. that said, if you're worried about not finding another job, then suck it up!)

it just irks me out.

*

anyway before i came across that horrible page, i had a sudden epiphany. i was reading david plouffe's (obama campaign manager) commentary on washingtonpost.com about the state of the republican party. even though i know that his commentary may be verging on a tiny bit of bias-ness (though his points were supported by stats), i realize why i get to thinking about american issues much more than singapore issues. it's due to the lack of social and political commentary (that is readily available and out there) on singapore issues. whether it is through blogs, news websites, on tv news, or even in tv shows and movies. singapore media, (biased towards you-know-who) tend to report on the good things. and i say report, not comment. and even the slightest forms of comments are the superficial good ones.

the social and political commentaries readily available on the net has been my source for unfiltered news. and no surprise, singapore-related commentaries do not appear quite as often. reading opinions and commentaries are the things that set my thinking about those issues critically. to be able to form my own opinions based on the differing views and opinions that i read.

so i'm kind of lamenting on the fact that i don't have access to the same kind of sources to get me thinking about the issues that affect singapore and singaporeans in that same way. and you may say that "why don't YOU comment on those issues." and i would say that i'm not smart enough to do that. :) easy way out. but also true.

**

you know you have had a special day when you attended a wedding service in the morning, rehearsed a musical of the easter story in the afternoon and attended a vigil funeral service at night. somehow many thoughts about life, change, salvation, and death comes to mind. and it is a big theme to dwell on. more on that when easter draws near.

***

work will be piling on soon. but i still need to have a life. singapore will be playing hosts to some wonderful people that i'll be seeing - jason mraz, coldplay, sam mendes, ethan hawke and the cast of the winter's tale, rachel yamagata. and many more for mosaic and arts fest that i won't be seeing due to the rapidly depleting bank account balance.

and my happening life has brought me to see 3 movies within the space of a week. marley & me, he's just not that into you and slumdog millionaire. more movies to watch. :)

****

psalm 23 is keeping me. :)